Kind of ironically the guy who had a girlfriend commented on how many different people I had in my message threads like that made me a slut for texting multiple men. First of all he’s the last person that can call anyone a slut. And secondly, the men just like the women that I talk to are for business. Classmates, family, people who owe me money, etc. None of them are anybody I really want to talk to. Some of the girls I’m trying to become close friends with if anyone knows how to actually do that please help me. I seem to be clueless. And a couple of the guys I’ve hooked up with before but that’s all it was.
When I’m at home, in my room by myself (like right now) I want to talk to someone who wants to talk to me just as much. Someone who I connect with and feel 100% comfortable around. I want to talk to someone who I think understands me. Nobody in my entire contact list seems to fit that description except my ex boyfriend. And well he’s my ex, I can’t just be calling him up all the time. Eventually he’ll stop answering. I do have two best friends who are female but well they both have boyfriends and busy lives. I know they love and care about me, and if I really needed something they would make time. But again I’m not calling them everyday to talk about nothing. Eventually they will stop answering, and I’ll have nobody when I really need someone.
So then what do I do?
Am I supposed to always just entertain myself? I’m trying to develop a friendship with someone at school like that. To where we can hang out often and basically be inseparable but I feel like I’m getting nowhere with women. I might find someone who I enjoy being around and she feels the same, but that’s about as far as it goes. Every time I’m free and want to try to go somewhere she has a test or something to study for. And I’m not even waiting on them to invite me somewhere, it took over a year for this one girl to ever text me first. Men are so much simpler to me. That’s why I want a boyfriend. Someone I’m interested in and he’s interested in me. I need someone who’s on my same wavelength. Who likes what I like and has time when I have time. I like to go out and do things but that’s kind of unsafe in this world. So I either I completely disregard my safety or I continue to sit in my room and do nothing until I find a friend…..
I just want to be loved for my true self. Not the half of me that most of the world knows. I want somebody who truly understand me to give me attention and affection. If that’s a girl, a guy or my mom I really don’t care I just want it to happen and it’s not. Too many days I find myself sitting in my room wishing someone would text me only to have that happen and be even more upset that it’s the wrong person. I feel so disconnected from everyone in this world, but it’s not me understanding them that’s the problem. I feel like no one understands me.