Distracted

There’s one of three reasons why I’m distracted right now. One could be because the nigga that I found myself catching feelings for and getting comfortable with despite the fact that he disappears frequently for weeks and months at a time decided to block my number. Idk if it’s because he’s had a gf this whole time or if he’s a bitch and is running from his feelings because he thinks I’m going to hurt them but either way he blocked me after he left my room bro. He came over and we had a great time. I was really happy and I felt soo comfortable with him. He’s fat and ugly bro but I still like him … and I guess I always am searching for a lifetime partner and he gave me a taste and I wanted to hold on to it so bad. He’s out of my life for the time being but that desire to be taken care of and loved is greater because of him.

The second possibility is because for the past 2 days I’ve had guys stay the night with me. One is an old friend who I feel so detached from like I barely can understand what he’s saying and when I do understand its like oh ok cool. I feel like we share no common interests but for whatever reason he feels comfortable around me and he doesn’t have any other friends so I chill with him. And well we’re also sexually attracted to each other so that happens too. The time before last we didn’t do anything because I realized I feel gross after I hook up with a guy and I feel nothing for him. But this time he woke me up and I wasn’t mentally prepared to reject him so I let it happen for a while and then it started getting good and I was thinking it was worth it but in the end I still felt the same. Just gross and bored. The other guy is some weird nigga I met off tinder… he dresses really nice but I still don’t know if he’s broke or rich. He says he has an apartment downtown that his aunt and boyfriend stay at so he stays at a hotel which is apparently cheaper. I’ve seen him pull out a roll of cash but he asked me for gas money one day. He payed me back of course but I had to ask him multiple times to get it and one time when I asked he started telling me a story about how he had to bail his friend out of jail. 🤔 But idk I got my money and he’s always paid for me so maybe he’s being honest but regardless the man is weird so when he was here I felt the same grossness even tho we didn’t hook up. All we did was cuddle and he bit my neck and sucked on my nipple. So idk with them it’s either I’m getting irritated with having men who aren’t anywhere close to what I want or it could be that I’m ashamed of my actions and am now looking for someone to validate the fact that I’m still a decent human being despite what I did.

Another possible reason is how I’m figuring out how selfish my best friend is and how sensitive she is and all kinds of stuff that makes me feel distant from her. I feel like I have to watch what I say and do around her. I can’t be true to myself because she’ll freak out or get offended and I just want someone who understands me. At this point in my life I feel like there has not been a single person I’ve completely opened up to and I want to change that but I need someone who can handle and love all of me.

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