This past week I’ve been trying to figure out why I was so distracted. The first couple weeks of school I could sit up and do my homework, read chapters anything as soon as I took the time out my day to do it. Last week on the other hand I’m using all the tricks I’ve figured out so far, listening to music, sitting outside, everything but I could not focus. I’m thinking about the randomest things and all I could figure out was that I was wanting to do something different.
I thought my soul was trying to go on an adventure, but now I’m realizing that it’s just the opposite. I was in need of slowing down and spending time with myself. I haven’t slept by myself in 5 days and before that it was only a one day break between my friend sleeping in my dorm the whole weekend and this streak of guys sleeping over I went through last week. That’s how I know I need to be by myself when it’s the easiest not to be. My ex even came over, it’s so rare for us to even talk much less see each other in person that’s how you know something’s up.
I think whenever I need to spend time with myself, I tend to look for outside sources to fix my inner issues. Hopefully now that I understand this I can prevent it from happening again. I can’t believe I’ve spent so many days with other people. I can’t think of the last time I’ve just sat in my room doing what I want without trying to complete an assignment or trying to make sure someone else is comfortable. I’ve had people stay the night for far too many days and I’m done. My best friend can still come I think, I guess idk. I don’t want to abandon her but I also don’t want to sacrifice my mental health and my spiritual progress for her. I’m trying to focus on myself and do what I need to do.
I’m in this quest to connect with my spirit and I’ve been trying to be dedicated but there’s sooo many distractions. Obviously it’s not high on my priority list and I guess that’s why nothing’s been revealed to me. Hopefully that’s why. But today I’m deciding that I’m not going to get distracted anymore. Forget the niggas, forget trying to be everyone’s friends. I’ll chill with you in the daytime when I don’t have anything else to do but nights are mine. For now and forever. I don’t care if I have no responsibilities, I have a responsibility to myself. Maybe I’ll go out every now and then for a birthday or when I feel like it but the majority of the time I’m not doing sleepovers anymore. I need my nighttime to myself. It’s when I can sit with my thoughts and counsel myself and think through any issues I have. It’s the time I have to heal my soul and spirit. Its mine.