I want a best friend

There’s 2 girls I already call my best friend and well there’s nothing really wrong with them. They love me unconditionally, do anything to make sure I stay happy, everything you could ever ask a friend to do. It’s just it’s not enough for me right now. I went through a phase where I was contemplating not being friends with one of the girls (the one I see all the time) because we think sooooo differently and she disagrees with a lot I do and people I talk to. I got over that phase and realized she’s a friend I need to keep around forever. We have our disagreements but at the end of the day she still loves me and let’s me do what I want but it’s exhausting to me. I can’t stand hearing negativity all the time. Especially when I already keep a lot in, if everything I say to you brings some kind of negative reaction whether that’s confusion, misunderstanding, disgust or outright disapproval it makes me not want to say anything and become even more closed up.

I don’t want to be closed up though. I’ve been contained my whole life and I’m ready to open up and let someone love me 100% but I just can’t with them. I don’t think they would like the real me. I guess my subconscious already knew that because I open up when I feel I will be accepted. The mere fact that I do still hide a lot let’s me know that on a subconscious level I don’t believe they will support the real me. That day I got high and almost killed all my friends they outwardly expressed their discontentment with the uninhibited me. That weed made me do everything I normally hold myself back from doing and I got negative reactions. Now I really have a fear of opening up and not being accepted. But I’m craving to open up to someone. But there’s no one for me to open up to and idk what to do 😦

I want a true best friend. The kind of friend I picture when I think of a best friend. Someone I can call often throughout the day and talk about nothing and everything. If I tell her something dumb some guy did she’ll laugh instead of question me from now until she dies why I still speak to him. Someone who knows how much care I put into the things in my room and in my possession. Someone who gives things back automatically after she borrows them. Someone I’m not afraid will give me something back broken or stained if at all. Someone who understands how I am with men. How I enjoy attention and being touched even if I don’t know him but yet doesn’t try to pressure me to fuck somebody. Somebody who isn’t afraid of strangers or older people so we can go on adventures together without me feeling like im babysitting. Somebody who isn’t pressured to always go to some big event when we’re together and knows how to just enjoy my company. Someone who is ok with sitting in silence. Someone who doesn’t get offended at every little thing I say. It’s just soo many little things that we don’t click on and I love her but I need space because I’m wanting something that I don’t have. I learned with men that having something close to what you want without actually having what you want is worse than not having anything at all.

I’m just conflicted because she’s dealing with her mom being crazy, her sister getting on her nerves, the love of her life telling her he’s not in love with her anymore and I want to be there for her but I always put other people’s happiness over my own and I’m trying to change that but now idk what the balance is. At what point do I sacrifice my happiness for someone I love? And for how long? What if she’s not doing everything she can to prevent these situations from dragging on?

I just want a friend, maybe I’m really looking for my soul mate idk. But I know what my soul is looking for but I don’t know what to give her.

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