So this weekend some things popped off in my life. I made kind of a huge mistake repeatedly before I woke up and realized what I was doing. I told my ex boyfriend, we’re kind of friends now and it came up accidentally and he freaked out completely. He then told my “best friend” the one I’ve been arguing with for the longest who also freaked out. I realize it was a mistake but she was focusing on points that are different issues than what I did. Its like if you have a problem focusing and you don’t finish your part for the group project and someone wants to get on you about how you’re late to work all the time. Its like ok uh yeah I might need to work on that but that’s not the issue at hand that actually affects you.
So anyway she’s mad at me and she texts me, we’re going back and forth. I’m not sure how mad she is, if she’s gonna ever get over it but part of me the whole time is hoping she stops being friends with me just so I don’t have to end the friendship myself. So messed up I know. It’s putting things in perspective for me for real. The worst is how we got to a point in our discussion/argument where she says she doesn’t know who I am and isn’t sure if she ever wants to know then says bye. So I’m thinking this sounds really final and I immediately feel relieved!
This whole weekend I’ve been kind of uneasy about losing friends and people being mad at me and trying to focus on my school work and responsibilities and now she’s acting like she’s done being friends with me and this is the point I feel relief. Part of it I’m sure is how much we’ve been arguing lately. That takes a huge toll on you. The other part is how with this whole thing I have this weird thought/fear that she’d be the type of person to slander your name if she ended on bad terms with you and that’s really not cool to me. I believe in respecting people you care about forever even if you’re not cool anymore. A secret is a secret forever but I don’t think she follows that philosophy and I can’t be comfortable being close to someone like that.
I’m even thinking all these arguments were the universe’s way of trying to tell me she doesn’t need to be in my life anymore and since I didn’t listen to those signs it had to send a huge sign to make sure I remove her from my life. I’m not sure what to think but all I know is that is not my best friend. If she wants to be cool I mean I guess we can but we HAVE to have distance between us. We can go and hang out, text maybe but no sleepovers or every other day activities. I need to start listening to myself. If I feel like my first instinct is to hold things in then I need to hold that shit in. I got in this mindset where I wanted to look at all her good qualities and be the open friend she wants me to be so I was trying to force myself to be transparent with her when my spirit knew she is not someone who needs to know my innermost self. She does not approve of my life choices, my thought processes, philosophy on friendships, etc so basically she does not approve of me.
Stop overthinking things baby girl. Listen to your first instinct cuz its usually right.