If you want something you’ve never had you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”
I always find myself thinking that since I haven’t gotten what I want by now that I must need to do something different. That’s how the quote goes right? How can I expect to get something different by doing the same thing over and over again? But what is it that I need to change? Is it a big change I need to make or something little? Am I keeping around people with the wrong energy? Is it my thoughts and actions that are attracting the wrong people and not attracting the right people? Am I going to the wrong places, not going to the right places?
But thenn I get into thinking that maybe I’m doing everything right and it’s just not my time. Maybe I have things I still need to learn before I get into a relationship. Maybe he’s with another girl right now learning how to be the best man for me getting rid of all the dumb ways guys like to think. Maybe we’re supposed to meet in a certain place that I haven’t heard of yet.
As I’m thinking through this, I’m beginning to realize that most of the changes I would make wouldn’t hurt anything. If it’s not my time, it’s not my time, but if I needed to be making changes I still did that too. I just need to be careful that the changes I make are still true to myself and things like going more places alone making myself more available.
The one thing I constantly think about is the company I keep. I’m a very affectionate person and I like to show that affection through physical touch. When I say touch I mean like almost constant the entire time we’re together. In this society, that’s seen as inappropriate unless it’s with a man and even then he has to be someone you’re serious with for it to be normal. I can’t just cuddle with a man without having some type of feelings first. Don’t even mention wanting to cuddle with a platonic female friend. I say cuddle but I mean basically just sitting on top of each other, holding hands, holding her arm as we’re walking from place to place not feeling each other up. But that leaves me conflicted because I’m either forced to live with an unfulfilled desire which I believe brings about my bouts of feeling lonely and unloved or I can find a man to cuddle with and show me that affection. The problem with the second option is that I’m beginning to hear a lot of talk about the energy you surround yourself with and one of my friends would always tell me I need to keep the spot in my life open for the man I want. In my mind, some little boy I’m cuddling with is not anywhere close to the spot for my king. Not the same thoughts, not the same actions, but I never brush off a differing opinion that quick. I sit and think about how I could possibly be filling that position in my life with men that don’t matter preventing my king from coming to me. It seems possible when you think about energy and spirituality versus mental and physical availability, but I don’t know how true it is or to what extent I need to cut people out of my life. Should I not be hooking up? Should I not be spending time with these men at all? And what disqualifies them? Is it any man that I don’t picture myself marrying? Is it guys who are good people just not dateable? Is it any guy I’m not romantically interested in?