Diseases

This is something I wrote a while ago back in October and I was too scared to share it.

“I feel disgusting. I feel like a whore. I feel lied to and deceived. I feel like doctors set people up for failure. They say oh yeah herpes is one of the most common STDs. They say it’s because it’s spread so easily because a lot of people don’t know they have it like that’s surprising when they don’t test for it unless you ask!!! Well no duhh nobody knows! People think they’re out here doing what they’re supposed to getting tested and whatnot. Results come back negative so they keep fucking but guess what? They been spreading herpes to everyone. How fucked up is that. These doctors obviously don’t care if the rest of the world gets this shit. When I tell you that I would have that shit come on my lip every god damn month. It’s ugly, it’s gross, and people ask questions. Why do I have to deal with this? I got this shit before I ever fucked anyone, before I ever sucked any dicks. Like that don’t add up. You try to research and all you see is that it’s passed by vaginal, anal, or oral sex. They don’t tell you any god damn contact can pass that shit. I guess if you contact your hands then it can transfer that way too but I really don’t know bro. I just know I feel like I’ve been living life wrong cuz why else I got three god damn diseases??? Shit I should be out here prostituting, rolling in the dough to deal with this. Or at least actually fucking people.

I just want it all to go away. Idk how long I’ve had this. Idk who I got it from. Idk if the herpes both came from the same person. Idk if I’ve spread shit to anyone not knowing. Idk if I’ve spread shit to anyone when I knew. I just wanna go back to middle school and start over. There’s so many things I needed to do better starting then.

But it’s gonna be ok. That I know for a fact. My life is not over. The whole world doesn’t hate me. I still have friends and developing friends. I just need to get over this little part right here. I’m trying to welcome the change and make the best of it but it’s hard. I’m legit scared of the dudes I’ve been with. It’s one I knew seemed dirty but I could be stereotyping. It’s another I get weird vibes from like he’s lying or deceptive idk but it’s something negative. I was gonna suck his dick but something told me not to and now I’m wondering if he’s the one that gave this shit to me. He playing around and not getting tested after I told him I got 3 fucking diseases. So idk what it is with him but I need to trust my intuition before I end up dead.”

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