I have a confession

I’m in denial. It makes me nervous to tell strangers who have never seen me, don’t know my name or where I live, don’t know anyone I know that I have herpes. Isn’t that crazy? And it’s scary because the people I know are the ones who actually need to know. You know like the men I be hoeing around with. I feel like a terrible person and I’m trying not to beat myself up about it but it’s wrong. You can’t just go around kissing and sucking when you have a disease and what did I do? Exactly that. But I’m not a bad person so why would I ever do something like that? Because I’m in denial. I didn’t go to a big doctor, I went to the little clinic at school. I never saw a printout of the lab results, all I got was a phone call. I self diagnosed myself and everything but I still don’t believe the results. Maybe it’s because she told me I had type 1 and type 2 that made me question everything. How do I have genital herpes but I don’t have not one symptom? And whereee did I get it from? How do you get a sexually transmitted disease without having sex??? A****w claims that he doesn’t have it but he’s literally the only one I could have got it from. Once he told me he didn’t have it I got even more skeptical of the results even though I see the evidence every freaking month. It doesn’t make sense how I never sucked dick, never had sex and got a disease at a point in my life where I wasn’t even with anyone. The only guy close to that time period within a week or 2 was him. Idk if he was being retarded and not understanding that you have to specifically ask to test for herpes or if it’s actually easy to spread and I got it from eating after my mom or something. But I’m really happy that I didn’t spread it to anyone. But at the same time that makes me not want to tell anyone even more. If I haven’t spread it so far why would I start now when I’m eating healthier and more natural?

I’ve gotten better with the hoeing and not telling the man I’m with. But it’s still really hard for me to speak about it. Its like a fatal flaw in my mind. Its evidence of my hoeness that I don’t want anyone to know about. Its an imperfection that I despise having. I want to be perfect and I can never be perfect with a disease that never goes away. I’m trying to accept that I’m a human being with imperfections but it’s soo hard. I’m afraid that I’ll scare away my man when I tell him. I’m scared that my friends will start acting differently around me or looking at me differently or thinking I’m dirty. And honestly that’s how I feel. I feel dirty. I feel like I have an unacceptable flaw. That once people find out they’ll want to isolate themselves from me. I’m reading this book that says to try to think of it as a quirk that adds to my personality but it’s so far engrained in our society that STDs are disgusting flaws and not quirks. Its something to avoid at all costs so why would my boyfriend want to stay with me when I have a disease that he doesn’t want? I know I wouldn’t stay with a man who had a disease. But then again maybe my man already has it and I needed to have it to so that we’d want to be with each other.

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