Here’s what happened today:
I made plans with my friend and her sister. This girl goes MIA quite a bit and sometimes she has an excuse but sometimes she doesn’t. I try to force myself to believe that nothing is going on but deep down I know something is off. Idk if she really doesn’t like me just pretends like she does to have someone to tell her boyfriend she’s with so she can go out, or if she actually does like me but she’s being abused and forced to not answer the phone? Idk either way she’s not someone I can count on but I’ve been trying to force our relationship to get close when I know innately I don’t want to open up to her.
We made plans tonight and at the last minute she cancels. She has a quiz to do apparently when she had all day to finish it and it’s not supposed to take long at all. I’m happy she did let me know that she wasn’t going to make it so I could go ahead and figure out what else I was doing but still like wtf??? She started acting funny when I was asking what her sisters name was so we could RVSP for the club I wanted to go to to meet this DJ. When I asked was she ready, she didn’t reply until over an hour maybe 2 hours later talking about she has to finish a quiz really quick. Then at 11:30 when we were told to be there by 12 and we agreed to leave by 9:30 she texts me saying she can’t make it tonight, we’ll go tomorrow. I ask did she not finish her quiz and no reply :):)
Anyways, for whatever reason I felt in my heart that I needed to go meet this man. Idk why but I was determined. Just like I was on MLK day I was determined to get to this club and see him. So I call a couple people, they’re all at a friends house party… Then all of a sudden I realize the club is on Travis street which is really close to the street the train runs on. I look up the address and sure enough it’s close enough for me to walk. I’m walking downstairs and J**** is asking if I’m going to that house party. I’m like uhh noo maybe later I’ll let you know. So I go to catch the train and right as I walk outside the train leaves. Its about 47 degrees outside, I’m headed to a club so I’m wearing a dress and some open toed heels …. The train comes every 15 minutes so I sit outside and look up how long it will take to get to my destination. It’s now close to 11:50pm and google is saying it will take 50 minutes to get there. Clubs usually close at 2 so I’m trying to do math real quick in my head and I’m thinking I’ll get there 10 minutes before closing but for whatever reason that was still good enough for me to keep going. I kept thinking about how unsafe this is, traveling by myself in ho clothes on public transportation, but then I assessed my feelings/intuition and I had no bad feelings about the night so I kept going. I kept thinking about everything you’re not supposed to do but nothing felt off to me so I was feeling good about the night.
I get to the club and see who I came to see but he tells me stuff is going wrong. I don’t really know what but I can see something is bothering him/ distracting him. I didn’t spend much time with him so I was kind of awkwardly by myself. I pretty much was arguing with myself between enjoying myself and doing what I would do if I was with my friends and just chillin to not look stupid turning up by myself. I got offered drinks by 2 guys and the second guy told me I looked bored and asked me to go to his section. So I go with him and not 10 minutes later all his people are telling him it’s time to leave. He’s still trying to talk to me even though I already gave him my number and he’s trying to kiss me and stuff. The guy I came to see told me he couldn’t take me home so I ask this guy if he could. He says they took an uber and they’re going to a strip club. His friends are really trying to rush him now so they tell him to take me with them and I’m like uhh am I getting money? Cuz there is absolutely no reason for me to go to a strip club unless I’m getting paid. He tells me idk maybe as he’s pulling me along. So I stop again to take a deep breath and assess my feelings. I’m still feeling nothing negative, so I say ok I guess I’m going to a strip club and I think to myself I can’t wait until I tell N*** I actually got money without her.
We get outside and idk if something was brewing already, but we’re walking across the parking lot and a car pulls up kinda close to us and somehow they got really mad and start yelling trying to fight. It’s only a couple people trying to fight and everybody else trying to break it up and I’m just drifting away to the sidelines trying to stay behind a barrier in case someone starts shooting. I’m just watching the people I’m supposed to be riding with involved in all this tom foolery and now I’m debating do I still go with them after the fights over or are they too dangerous to even associate with. This man is yelling and pulls out a knife with all his friends trying to calm him down and push him back to the car. I’m gradually walking further and further away thinking like omg am I about to witness a stabbing??!?!!!? My logic was telling me to run away, so I assess my feelings again and my feelings are telling me they’re bad news. So now I’m standing on the side of the street with a strange man’s jacket and no ride home. M** and S***** are both not answering their phones. I know they were drunk so that wasn’t a reliable option. So I look around and see this guy who walks up to observe the fight and he’s just smoking. The back of his jacket says Gemini so I ask if he’s a Gemini and he says no he’s a Pisces… oh. Well he still seems like a nice guy so we introduce ourselves and I think he asked who I was with. I told him I was supposed to be riding home with the people fighting and asked him for a ride home. He told me to ask his ride and he said yes so they took me home 🙂
We had a pretty nice conversation in the car. Turns out the deriver is an Aries 🙂 and graduated from Sam Houston. They play basketball and are starting a clothing design business. Pretty cool people to talk to. They were smoking the whole time so I knew M** would like them.
I get back inside my dorm and see the same man by himself now. He asks me did I go to the party and I say no. I might have said I had an adventure but he asked me for the story. He seems to be very interested in my life so I tell him what happened and kind of glossed over the fact that I actually did agree to go to the strip club idk why but I acted like he agreed to take me home. We end up having a really long conversation and for some reason the crazy me came out. He saw multiple of my different personalities. Called me bipolar, said I have dissociative identity disorder… He was very confused but at the same time very intrigued. Now I’m wondering why he was sitting downstairs by himself. I never see him just sitting in the lobby with no one. But we talked about my hoes and he told me that I have slaves because you have to do things for hoes. I was telling him so much and everything was just flowing out of me. Nothing was forced I was just talking and he was listening and asking the right questions. He kept asking me do I open up like that to all my hoes and I kept telling him no because I don’t like them but he asked at least 3 times. He was saying so you’re fucking with these dudes and you still don’t open up to them? Something made me realized he was very confused about how I felt about him and what I want with him so I tried to explain how I want different things from different people but I don’t think he got it. Eventually it’s 4 am and he’s tired so we both go to our rooms. I started wondering how he took me saying I don’t like my hoes. Did he think I meant I don’t like them like don’t want to date them or I don’t like them as people but I like him as a person? I realized that I can’t even explain to myself how I feel about him or what I want from him. Idk if I want to date him or not or if I want to date the DJ I went to go see. I just know that I feel like he’s a safe person for me to open up to and I wanted him in my room. I wanted him to hold me and keep talking to me and trying to figure me out. That’s when I realized that I open up to people when I feel it’s safe. I don’t have to think about it, it just happens. I’m not going to think about forcing myself to open up to N***. If I haven’t opened up already, by myself, uncontrollably then it’s not supposed to happen for whatever reason.
I have no idea what reason I felt I needed to go out, but I felt it and I did. My friends canceled, I had no ride, but I did what I felt in my heart I wanted to do. I listened to myself and avoided a potentially dangerous situation and met some really cool people as a result. I have no idea what would have happened if I would have went to the strip club but I’m fine not knowing. I enjoyed my night and I’m home safe. I now know 3 guys I legit would enjoy talking to and spending time with.
I did me today 🙂 I listened to myself, and had an overall successful night.