Why do I still not have close friends?

Seems like I’ve been looking for the same kind of friend ever since I been in college. Why is it so hard? Well it just seems like niggas only wanna fuck and girls “don’t have time”. Time is never a valid excuse for me. You make time for what’s important to you. Girls definitely make time for niggas that don’t even treat them right ๐Ÿ™„

It’s just frustrating to me because I feel like what I want is simple. Yes it takes time to develop what I want but right now nothing is even in the developing stages. The only people who want to make time for me are people I feel disconnected from and feel the need to keep my distance. I’ve realized that because of who I am, not a lot of people will fully appreciate me and all my personalities. So to avoid unpleasantness or me hiding part of myself I decided to just leave the friendships I already have as they are and don’t even bother with people I know don’t understand me and never will. It’s a great change, it really is. The only problem I have is that now I’m not trying to develop my old friendships into the close friendship I want so I’m stuck with no one to call. I don’t even want to call a friend about problems all the time, sometimes I just want to have a deep conversation about the world or tell about something crazy that happened in my life or something weird I noticed. But it’s so unfulfilling if my intended message isn’t received the way I meant it and that happens with all these people I feel disconnected from.

Part of me feels bad because it’s like I’m being ungrateful for the friends I do have in my life because they’re really great people. But I always stop feeling bad when I think about how they treat me. One lives in Austin and I’ll hear from her once a month or so, one lives 30 minutes away and I’ll hear from her once a week maybe every other week now that she’s in school, but I know for sure the both of them see their boyfriends wayyyy more than they see me. Its one girl I can count on to pretty much always answer the phone or make time for me even when her and her man are on good terms, but her maturity level is so much lower than mine so I can’t really have the same type of conversations that I crave.

I say crave because it’s more than just a desire. It’s a strong urge to open up and confide in someone. A craving to reveal all my innermost fears, and all the dark corners of my soul. I want to trust someone enough to share all of me.

The other thing that pisses me off is the times I do let someone know the type of friendship I crave they tell me to find a man. It’s always “you sure you don’t want a man?” Like I can’t lie and say I don’t but that is an entirely different conversation. If I was talking about how much I wanted a man it’d be more things like I love men so much, I really want to take care of them. I feel like they’re so fragile and misunderstood, I really want a man to cook for and give massages to. I want a man who I feel is worthy enough to really see my freaky side and not just the girl who lets things happen but doesn’t actively participate. My desire for a man is completely independent of my desire for a friend. A man is great to flirt with and he should also be a close friend, but a woman oh my. I don’t know how to explain it, words aren’t effectively describing what the friendship between two women is like. But it’s different. It’s oh so different. Its magical, empowering, refreshing, invigorating, the list goes on. When I tell you the one time I had a boyfriend (who was great by the way) I still had the same craving for a friendship.

But idk I wasn’t the same woman then. Maybe then I was looking for myself, maybe now I’m still looking for myself. I think I’ve found myself but you never know you haven’t until you find more of yourself that you didn’t know before.

Bottom line is, I’ve come to love being by myself and spending time alone, however I don’t want to be alone all the time. If I go too many days without company I begin to lapse back into this depressed state where I’m craving a deep friendship. The women I want to be close to seem to be otherwise occupied and the men who I enjoy talking to either want sex all the time which kind of pisses me off sometimes or else we’re not on speaking terms ๐Ÿ˜ž.

Oh well. I have a test tomorrow. Let me at least try to study while I let the universe take care of my friend situation.

Peace. Love. And blessings.

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