First of all, I wasn’t even supposed to be going to church last night. My friend asked if I wanted to go to the the rodeo. I told her I was done with class at 10 but I had homework that I had to finish by 5. I guess she thought it wouldn’t take me that long? But I get to her house at 6:30 and she’s like girl you took so long we’re about to go to church. Her and her man would ask me to go before but the way I feel about churches is really skeptical. Some are cool and authentic but a lot just have people up there talking. Last time they asked I thought about what type of person he is and was debating giving his church a try. So now they’re saying they’re leaving for church in 10 minutes so I’m just like ok I guess today’s the day I’m going to church with him.
I was guarded about going because of the lack of spirituality in churches and also cuz I was wearing a crop top for the rodeo. Luckily, before I left something told me to go back to get a jacket even though it wasn’t cold outside. The jacket I grabbed just so happened to be a shirt that I buttoned up to look appropriate for church. So I’m like ok everything is aligning, let’s go to church. We get to this place and these people were praying when we walked in with moroccas or whatever they’re called. They got these heavy African accents so I can barely understand this woman first of all and what I do understand sounds like a bunch of nothing.
I hear her talk about 1 Timothy and I’m like I think I know this scripture. How are you preaching about this?? There’s nothing to say. I feel myself getting guarded and closed up so I’m trying to breathe deeply and keep my heart open and not reject anything because I have a bad view of churches and the bible. But the more she talks the more I’m getting pissed off. She keeps going back to the same scripture and then she goes “lets pray” and they start shaking the moroccas and it sounds so noisy. Every time she says let’s pray I already know I’m about to get more irritated. I’m thinking I’ll probably leave with a headache trying to figure out why he drove an hour to go there and then I start thinking to myself, there’s no way I came to church today just to be mad.
I’m looking around trying to find a reason for me being there and then I see this little girl just staring at me and my friend being all cute. When she sees us looking at her she starts smiling and getting shy like kids do. I feel happiness and peace so I’m like ok maybe this is why I’m here. To be her role model or something. I really start getting excited thinking about teaching her about life. Every time I start getting upset all I have to do is look at her and I’m good.
But then the baby leaves 😦 I guess her mom came out the back room and she’s sitting behind me now so I can’t see her. I’m just sitting with my hands clasped together wondering how long it’s gonna go. My friend looks at me and then she puts her head down and I knew she could tell I was upset but I didn’t know if she was praying or laughing. I was just reassuring myself that I know what’s real and whats not. I knew that lady wasn’t saying anything and there was a reason why I was mad. So I’m just chilling, still breathing. Now the lady asks does anyone have prayer requests I’m yelling no in my head like I cannot take another prayer. This man comes up and he’s walking to the front I’m like nigga she asked for a prayer request not a whole freaking prayer 🙄🙄. He asks everyone to lift their hands and I remain exactly where I’m at. But then when he starts praying I instantly felt a peace. Now I’m like ok who is this man and I’m interested in what he’s saying. I kid you not the same feeling I get when I’m high I felt it while he was praying. I felt paralyzed but a good paralyzed, like the kind of paralyzed from being high. Where your chillin and feeling good and every movement is extra effort. I felt crooked in my seat and I was wondering was it noticeable what was going on inside me. It was like a tingly feeling almost like what I get when I’m with dudes and getting turned on. Like pretty much every positive feeling I’ve ever felt. It was great.
Then this man comes and starts prophesying to my friend saying she’s gonna be a singer if she stops being shy and that she’s going to be in Cancun working with kids and taking care of them giving them food and clothes and stuff. He tells her that she will have a renewed mind in 18 days and will be visited by an angel. By now I know this man is connected in the spirit and I just know he’s gonna say something about me next. Im scared of what he’s going to say. Im thinking about how I was wondering who My protector is what’s his/her name. I know she exists. I call her a she cuz she’s a she to me. The part I’m not sure about is what her name is, I keep reminding myself not to overthink about it because if she really wanted me to know her name, she’d let me know. She truly can text me if that’s what it comes to. I’m scared this man will talk about my faith and what I need to be doing next to get to the next level in my relationship. I’m scared but I want him to say it. My heart is beating so hard. So so hard and I’m sweating and I’m just looking at him. I can’t look away, I don’t want to look away. He’s talking about my friend and what she needs to do and its confirming the path I’ve been on in my life and all I’m doing is waiting for my turn. He looked at me one good time but he never said anything about me.
We ended up going to see a movie after and overall it was a great night. I felt peaceful, I felt love, I felt like everything is going according to plan.