I’m the group leader?

I’m really confused because I thought I had a group of friends who all knew each other and enjoyed spending time together, but last night one of the girls who recently moved out of town was coming back for a few days. She texted me saying she wanted to get cute and go out with all 4 of us. I thought it was kinda weird that she texted me when she could have texted everyone at the same time, but a lot of times I notice things then forget I ever thought it was weird.

So we make plans to go to this club (I find the place and RSVP btw) the girl from out of town, let’s call her J, was driving in Friday night so she wanted to see if we could go out Saturday night. The girl I’ve been arguing with for forever, let’s call her B, had plans Saturday night so J decided that she’d be cool with Friday. This is all decided on the day of, so pretty much J made plans to come into town for a set amount of days and now that she’s in town she’s trying to hang out with us. It’ll be important later.

It’s Friday, we all know the plans, we have free entry, everything’s good. I’m excited with everything happening in my life and now I get to go out and have fun with my friends! B and the other girl M planned on coming to my dorm to get ready, I told them I’d be busy until 6 so they knew not to come before then. It’s about 1:00 and I’m on my way to meet my old trainer when I start getting nervous. It’s the first time I’d be back at the track since I got kicked off. The closer I get, the nervousness turns into anger. I decide to just sit down for a minute and find a little bit of peace before I go look at these people. I’m sitting down and I start looking up the different Hebrew names for god in the Bible like Jehovah Jirah, Jehovah Nissi, etc. I’m reminded of a song my church sang when I was little so I’m singing it in my head trying to find it on YouTube when this man walks up. He’s like mind if I come sit with you, normally when guys do that, they’re trying to flirt and I get irritated but with him I felt a peace come over my spirit and I knew that I needed to be nice to him and talk to him. I knew it was something about faith and I began to wonder if he was connected to the one who would answer my questions. He asks me why I’m sitting outside and I get real open and honest with him and we start talking about faith and how I knew why he was coming to talk to me so I needed to be nice, and I told him how I’m practicing following my spirit which he calls the holy spirit. And he invites me to his groups party that night. I immediately wonder should I go but I’m like nahh they have other events I’ll go another day when I don’t have plans.

Now I’m calm so I go meet with the trainer then go about my day. I’m sitting in my group meeting about 5:00 and it starts raining. Now I’m starting to feel like I should go to the party instead of the club. I think about how close it is to the time my friends were supposed to be leaving and how mad they’d be if I cancel. But then I think about the preacher the night before. He gave a specific example of how you have to trust your spirit, even if your friends are all dressed up and ready to go out it’ll be a little feeling that you don’t want to go and you have to listen. It could be that you feel tired but you just have to trust it and not go. I was looking at the rain thinking how much it floods in the city, thinking about standing outside in the rain, and then I started to feel tired. I’m thinking he was talking to my friend tho!! He wasn’t directing this at me but what if it was for me. That’s when I knew I had to let them know I was thinking about not going. I’m sitting in my group meeting sitting directly next to my boss and I text my friends in a group bringing up the rain. I’m planning to use that as an excuse even though I know I’ll still be going somewhere but the rain seemed like something logical they would listen to and agree it’s unsafe. But guess what? No one replied. The next message after that was them saying an hour later that they’re coming. I’m like what the heck, I just mentioned that it’s raining and y’all just gonna ignore that and leave anyway. πŸ™„

I’m in the cafeteria eating and talking to these guys asking them places to go and that’s when I said out loud that I didn’t want to go. That’s when I knew for a fact that I didn’t need to go. But I’m scared, they’re already on their way, they’re gonna be mad, they’re not gonna understand, I knew all this already. But I text anyway and said they could still get ready here but I’m not gonna go. Of course they’re like what? No we’re here already, you’re going. I expected them to be upset but what I didn’t expect was them acting like I cancelled the whole night! They said they were here so when I left the cafeteria I stayed downstairs to wait for them. I went to go sit outside to make sure I felt ok with my decision because I knew they wouldn’t like it. Every time I think about going out I get a bad feeling so I’m sure I’m doing the right thing. Idk why but I’m sure what I’m supposed to do. They text me and say come downstairs they’re here and I’m looking like I don’t see anyone, I wait for a bit then go see if they’re at the other entrance, I’m awkwardly standing in the hallway waitng for them and I’m looking back and forth trying to find them. I’m impatient so I’m getting irritated so I decide to sit down and just wait for them to call me instead of me looking for them. Even still every person that passes I’m looking up. Finally they come and B has this very aggressive energy as she’s says I need you to start smiling I don’t care how you’re feeling but you’re going. For some reason that closed me up. Idk if it’s how she assumed I didn’t want to go because I didn’t feel good, she didn’t realize I wasn’t smiling because I was waiting idk but I instantly closed all the way up. Every time I say something she doesn’t like it’s always her trying to impose her opinions on me, trying to make me do what she thinks I need to do rather than asking me why I feel this way, asking me what made me do what I did and trying to understand where I’m coming from.
She was talking about how much gas and time she wasted and how inconsiderate I was being and how everyone has stuff to do blah blah. Her energy is so ugly I’m wondering is she a demon, for real.

She calls the other girl who gets mad and starts talking about how she came in town specifically to see meπŸ™„πŸ™„ but the last time I texted her she didn’t text me back. She never calls, or texts me so she can’t miss me that much. B is continuing to talk about how inconsiderate I am. She’s telling me how if I just let them know before they left and waited in traffic then it wouldn’t be a problem completely ignoring the fact that I tried to let them know I was thinking about not going.  She acts like she’s gonna let me explain myself but she’s mad so she’s not listening to anything I say and that’s when I became unparalyzed and could go to my room to get ready.

A few minutes later M calls asking could they still get ready in my room. I say my uber is 4 minutes away but they’re not gonna make that time. Now I’m like well this ones on y’all. I tried to offer my room still for y’all to get ready, I could have sent them the tickets and now I’m giving them other options of places to go but they’re just so hurt. This is when I realized what’s going on. I’m the only one they actually care about. J texted me because she wanted to see me and only me but didn’t want to be rude and leave everyone else out. M decided to come because she knows me and her like a lot of the same things so she’ll feel comfortable with me there even tho she’s cool with everyone else. And B well she’s strongly strongly attached to me so I guess all this time she’s been a hermit she’s been missing me and tonight she wanted to hang out with me and catch up with me and she thought I invited her when I was only relaying the message that J wanted her to come. It sounds crazy and self centered but it’s the only thing that makes sense. If I’m the one that everyone is coming out for, now that I’m not going they have no more reason to be out. They keep bringing up how it’s a group thing and I’m ruining the plans and acting like its not still a group without me. But the group is really their coverup for saying they want me to be there because they don’t really care about anyone else. It’s like they turned it into my birthday party, if the birthday girl isn’t there then the whole party has no more reason to exist.

That’s so crazy to me bro. Like it’s 4 people who made plans and now one person backs out and the plans are ruined?? Everyone waste their time?? Why can’t you go out and have fun without me? I thought I’d be the one feeling like I missed out on a fun day with my friends not them feeling like I ruined their plans. I do not understand. Im trying to understand so I can be all apologetic an they won’t be mad at me but it makes 0 sense to me. The success of your night shouldn’t depend on one person. I don’t want to be the one person that everyone is counting on for a good time. I don’t want to feel obligated to come or else no one can do anything.

Now that I think about it, a couple weeks before B mentioned she wanted to go out with me and M but I was busy so they never went anywhere. The group does not exist without me. I do not like that.

I did end up going to the church party. I felt like I made the right choice but nothing extraordinary happened to make my mind believe it was worth cancelling on my friends. Then I wonder if I just needed to see my role on this friend group or if B needed to be confronted about her refusal to attempt to understand me from my point of view. There’s a lot of things I don’t know, but the one thing I am sure of: when I need to know, I will know.

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