Things I struggle talking about

So I have a counselor right? And I can kinda tell he’s a water sign so he doesn’t understand me fully, but he’s still a trained professional. I want him to help me understand why there’s certain things I can’t talk about.

The first case I remember was yearsss ago with this girl I thought was gonna be my best friend forever. I wanted to tell her that I still sucked my fingers at like 9 or 10 years old. It was something everyone in my family knew but I only did it at home because I knew it was something people would expect me to be over a long time ago. I called her one day and idk if her tone was kinda like she was over being friends with me and I caught onto that but for whatever reason I couldn’t tell her. She kept asking what it was I really needed to say, but I couldn’t get the words out. Eventually I ended up making up a story about some ugly guy I kissed in my dream….

Then in high school when I started messing around with guys I’d be telling my friends about my experience and I’d tell everything up until it got even remotely sexual and I’d just say “stuff happened”. The first time I ever kissed a guy, I remember I was really excited because I felt like I was behind other girls or whatever. I was telling these two girls about my kiss and really only one I actually wanted to tell but the other was there and heard. She asked was it my boyfriend and when I said no she called me a slut. She said she was joking and I could tell that’s what she meant it as but like jokes always come from a place of truth. I thought about that for a while. It wasn’t on my mind before she said that. Now I’m wondering is it cases like that why I feel I should keep my experiences to myself?

Later there was a guy from out of town and me and him were in a room with my sister and my friend and other guys. We had a blanket and my friend was ‘joking’ talking about don’t be doing anything under that blanket. I’m pretty sure to this day I never told them I made out with that man that night 😂 Everything else I just remember being vague about what happened. I would tell them who and where just not what. Eventually it got to the point where I was pretty much doing everything except head and penetration. Guys would constantly comment about how I’m naked already and how wet I am and blah blah blah and they didn’t get why I wouldn’t just have sex with them…. I guess I just internalized that no one would understand why I did what I did. Why it made sense to me that I would be naked and dry hump a guy just don’t let him stick it in. (Literally I’m lowkey nervous typing this right now. Never have I ever put that into words anywhere outside of my head). So I just assumed that my friends would think the same so I didn’t tell them. My friend would even tell me she thought I was being deceptive by telling guys one thing but showing them another. So basically she was telling me that even though I’m telling a man that I don’t like him and that I just want fun and nothing serious but because we mess around and maybe hang out or text that I’m leading them on. We had that conversation so much, pretty much what I got was that she didn’t believe I should be hooking up with guys I didn’t like. Or I shouldn’t have guys I just hang out with having no intentions of a relationship because that’s taking up space from the man I want. However that works. It got to the point where I thought it just easier to let my friend assume I had sex just so I didn’t have to break down what I actually did and what I didn’t do.

So now I’m in college right and I lose my virginity to my first boyfriend. I’m happy about that, I tell my friend I’m not a virgin anymore and first of all she freaks out like she really thought I was a nun who would be forever celibate and then she asks me how everything happened so I tell her he kinda was getting frustrated not getting sex and from then on she starts to hate him. Literally the person who understands me the best in this world and the person I spend the most time with hates him. Now my 2 favorite people in this world can’t hangout together, can’t talk about him to her without her slandering his name. Its just not fun at all. After me and him broke up I lowkey turned into a ho… getting with guys from online and doing the same type of stuff. It was one guy, the first guy after my breakup and I called my friend that lived in Austin. I wanted to tell her about my mind opening experience. She was kinda accepting but she still was talking about how ugly he was. And she kept bein like omg noo you didn’t make out with him. Obviously she didn’t hate me but I didn’t like the fact that she didn’t approve of my choices. To this day I don’t regret it at all. There’s a lot of guys I would pass on but not him. I think he was the last guy I told my friends about. If I kinda mentioned I met a guy I wouldn’t say what we did or how long we knew each other before we did.

Some things happened in my life that helped me realize the people I’d been calling my best friends didn’t understand me and might never understand me. I realized I like to force friendships and try to explain myself to people who just don’t get me. I came to accept my ability to judge people quickly as people I will either get along with really well or people who will irritate me. I understand that although I desire a close connection, it won’t be with just anybody and everybody. But then, I finally tell my ex who I’m off and on friends with that I’ve had herpes since before we got together. He gets mad of course but that’s when I realize that I have a problem.

No longer is it just me selectively choosing who I want to tell what. No I’m hiding parts of myself that certain people NEED to know. So I start looking at what it is that I don’t feel comfortable telling people about. The most obvious is sexual things. That’s been the longest issue. But when I’m thinking about it I realize there was a case where it was me trying to talk about another person having sex and I couldn’t. I was on the phone with my friend and I was saying this girl’s in the room next to me with her boyfriend and I was like they’re….. but I couldn’t say they were having sex.

Other than sex there was an instance I couldn’t tell a guy that I liked being in his presence. I didn’t want to tell anyone when j get kicked of the team but somehow when they bring it up I could easily let them know. But the people closest too, it wasn’t so easy to let them know bit I still could. When my mom asked me I almost started crying and everytime i think about telling my dad I want to cry thinking about how sad that is for him. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I met my ex on tinder. But I met these girls on bumble and it was really easy to tell them although I was just a tad hesitant. It was a guy friend I met on tinder too that I didn’t tell people how we met. The biggest issue was not being able to tell guys I was involved with that I have herpes. But one day I was with a guy and he kinda nasty so he was putting his fingers up my butt (lol again really nervous, probably blushing if I was white) but he would alternate between my vagina and my butt. I really knew he shouldn’t be doing that but I didn’t want to stop him lol. But guess what? Next day I had an infection. Like really hurts to pee infection. When I’m sitting in his house crying trying to tell him I have herpes but the next day I easily told him I had an infection. Maybe cuz the infection was his fault and from him? It was back in middle school when I got chicken pox. It was during the school day, I knew exactly what it was but I didn’t want to tell anybody and have my mom have to come up to the school to pick me up. Because I didn’t go home I ended up giving someone chicken pox 😦

Somehow none of the guys I was hoeing around with got any disease from me as far as I know thank the Lord. But that also pisses me off a bit because I got herpes before I ever had sex or oral but three penises have been inside me and definitely 2 didn’t get anything. So how I get all these diseases but don’t give any doing more than what I did to get them??

Anyway that’s not what I’m try to discuss here lol. Im trying to figure out my problem, whats the theme(s), and how to fix it.

I think I definitely am scarred from being punished all the time by my dad, seems like nothing I did was right. I couldn’t live my life without getting in trouble. I learned to be secretive and keep everything in. I learned not to show emotions so no one knows when they hurt me. He would take the whole family out to dinner or something, or to a vacation and leave you behind if you didn’t complete a task he wanted you to do. I think that’s when I grew cold.

Some things I don’t want to talk about are just me showing vulnerability. Me telling a guy I like being around him is letting him know that he has a sense of power in my life. He is higher in my eyes than other guys I know. With knowing my vulnerabilities, you know how to hurt me.

It’s also an article I found talking about how people prevent intimacy. Never showing feelings/vulnerability was there and always being pleasant. Two very big things I do. Along with always playing music which prevents conversation, always trying to be right, and always trying to be busy so you never have time to develop intimacy with anyone. That article led me to believe that on a subconscious level I run away from intimacy. Why?

I am hurt from my first best friend growing distant and not wanting to be my friend anymore. I’m hurt from my second best friend going to school in Austin and not hearing from her as often as I’d like. I’m hurt from being in college with none of the friends I’m used to being around. Especially after me and my ex stopped talking, I went into a depressed stage where I had to force myself to learn to be ok by myself. I think I started detaching myself from people. If there is no attachment then you won’t miss them when they leave.

Some things I don’t want to say because it’s simply going to elicit a reaction I don’t want to hear because the person doesn’t approve of what I did or else they would be shocked that I did it or its going to give someone feelings that I don’t want them to have. I guess in that sense I’m trying to control how people view me.

The last and most serious thing is flaws like STDs that people aren’t as forgiving about as flaws like procrastination. You say you procrastinate, everyone goes me too!! You say you got herpes and people look at you like a death sentence, start freaking out about everything they’ve ever done with you even if it’s a female friend you’ve never done anything with and don’t ever eat or drink after. They really be like well I’m with you all the time, like we breathe the same air why didn’t you tell me 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄.

But these are the reasons I’ve found why I like to keep silent. Next step to figure out how to overcome these fears. I definitely won’t open up to just anyone but there is a very special person to me that is hurt by me not sharing everything with him. I keep saying I want a close relationship but now hes giving me the chance and I’m pushing him away 😭😭 I just want to talk about everything with him, but I dont know how …… 😞

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