I’ve reached a whole new level of slut…
So I was pretty depressed for a couple days. In that period I tried to get company from about everyone I know who I thought would give me the attention I needed. One guy ended up telling me I need to just be happy and entertain myself if I felt lonely. One guy told me I complain a lot. One guy who I know tend to just talk about himself and not listen or understand me but I called him and it happened to be his birthday on Wednesday when I called.
My counselor confirmed that I usually know what to do I just don’t do it. Sometimes it’s a block in my mind but sometimes I try, it just doesn’t work out. This time I knew I was lonely and I knew I needed to hang out with my friends. Now granted I could have came to someone and told them I’m depressed, I really need you to come be with me right now and just hold me and let me vent, but I’m not that type of person. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to help me. What I will do tho, is ask people to hang out with me. I’ll even say I’m upset if it’s really serious but I won’t go into detail. My friend Sabrina was texting me like oh I understand blah blah blah but she still was at home not making any plans to come see me. We had plans for Friday but the whole time I was depressed I wasn’t completing any of my homework and each day that passed was more points off for being late. So now I’m calling everybody trying to make sure I get the company I need and this doesn’t last forever so I can get good grades this semester.
I call the cocaine dealer who already like to talk about himself 🙄 I swear his favorite word is I. He gotta work until Saturday so we plan to go to the movies.
I talk to the welder who I really don’t like because he’s stupid. But he’s a human being who will listen to me, so I thought. I’m texting him talking about how I’m upset and lonely and none of my friends want to hang out with me and his dumb ass talking about well I’m always here for you… bitch where are you?? He say I’m just waiting on you to tell me to come. I tell him to come and he talking about ok this weekend. Nigga wtf you tell me you always here for if I gotta wait for you to come. Just being stupid. We need up agreeing for him to come over on Friday night after me and my friend go out.
Now it’s Friday morning I got homework I keep putting off, my hair’s a mess, I got a meeting and homework to do before the meeting and an appointment with my counselor. I’m legit depressed not wanting to go anywhere or see anybody. I’m thinking about not going to my appointment and realize I don’t feel like he’s helping. We just go talk about the issues that I already know I have and I feel like it take so much for him to even understand what I’m saying and in the end he still don’t fully get it.
I’m sitting looking up other counselors planning on this being the last meeting. I walk in and I have headphones in but I can still hear him. He however is very offended and feels shut out and keeps asking me to turn the music off. I’m like noo there’s no reason they need to come out. I can hear you, you can hear me continue about your day. He keep talking about how you gotta let out emotions for them to ever pass and I’m like ohhhh that’s why this been going on so long, nobody let me le it out. They kept telling me to get over it.
Finally he moves on, I end up telling him I don’t think he understands me and I think he’s a water sign (which he confirms). He doesn’t believe in astrology but I tell him to read about libras and he’ll better understand me. He end up telling me to let my professor know I won’t make it to the meeting today and to go swimming and take care of myself. I leave and for the first time I feel like he understood me. I feel instantly relieved.
I go meet my friend and I’m so happy. Its a beautiful day we sit by the pool and go to the club later. I had the time of my life before the dj switched but she didn’t know the music I don’t think. She end up pointing out these guys she think have money, we walk by and he ask for my number. They end up taking us home and he seemed really cool unlike all the rest of the rich assholes.
I’m happy now and don’t really need company, I lowkey want to be myself now but I already begged the welder to come so he come over but he acting fucking retarded. I tell him I’ll be home around 1. At 1:45 he text me and I say I just got home. He asked did I make new friends and I said yeah. I asked was he coming and he like I thought you had different plans. Nigga, what part of I made new friends means I’m about to go be with them at 2:00 in the morning when I already made plans with you?????
He say he getting up and I say alright let me know when you here. Next thing he say is what am I doing. What the fuck else am I doing??? I’m waiting on your bitch ass but ima go to sleep if you keep playing. But I’m nice so I just said I was waiting on him 🙄 He finally leave and say it’s gonna take 25 minutes and I’m like oh I thought it was longer ok. For some reason he thought that meant I was busy even tho literally 2 seconds ago I just said I was waiting on him. I say no I’m just laying down. Now I’m remembering why I don’t like his ass so much. He so clingy and insecure like bitch I’m a ho, you come for ass and that’s it. Ain’t nothing to feel insecure about because we are not and will never be together. I feel nothing for you so don’t go getting jealous about all the other guys I feel nothing for.
Finally he get here and he say come down. I come down and his bitch ass like oh that was quick I’m trying to find a parking spot. Ho, there’s a fucking thousand spots. Just pick one and get the fuck inside because I’m freezing my ass off thinking I’m coming down to get you then go right back to my comfortable bed.
Nigga finally gets upstairs and start kissing my neck and my slut ass haven’t don’t nothing in so long (really just 6 weeks lol) next thing I know I got hickeys all over my neck. 🙄 He leave and I’m sitting wondering what happened to my promise not to do shit until I got in a relationship and why I do stuff like that with these niggas I don’t even like yet I somehow manage not to ever do shit with my ex who I love.
Whatever, I go to sleep and he wake up early to go do something with insurance, just when I get to sleep again my friend text so we can try to go swimming today. I didn’t go and just slept until about 7. The rich African from the club wanna take me to dinner. I’m starving so of course I go. I cover up them hickeys and just when I’m about to leave, the cocaine dealer call me. Now I’m like omg I completely forgot I made plans with you. I’m at dinner trying to let this man know I’ll come over later cuz I’m busy rn lol. I lowkey feel bad but shit oh well.
I get home and right after, I leave again with another nigga. I give him some of the cake that other man bought for me 😂 I already know he a freaky ass nigga and its his birthday. He trying to touch me and kiss me and shit and I’m like wanting to just because it’s his birthday and idk I have a problem but I’m thinking he really nasty cuz I got big ass cold sores on my lips. Like broo you know I keep telling you I got diseases and you see this shit on my lips and you still want to kiss me??
Then the bitch have the nerve to ask me to come with him to his granny house 😐😐 umm no. Hell to the mother fucking no. You do not introduce hoes to your family. They do not need to see me or speak to me to forever ask you about me and where I went and how you need to find another girl like me because you will not ever have me. Idk how many times I gotta tell you I don’t like you before you actually believe me.
Nigga finally take me home and start telling me when he’s off. Baby I don’t ever want to see you again if I’m being honest. I just don’t know what to do because I need to be around people. Thats a definite need but I need new people. Why females gotta be so flaky. Just spend time with me and don’t judge me. And niggas need to learn how to control their damn hormones. There’s no way I’m that cute.
I’m just thinking about my whole weekend and I was really with 3 niggas within 2 nights. I know I’m not fucking and niggas love to tell me I’m not doing anything if there’s no penetration but I still feel like a slut. That’s gross to me if I was a man who touching a woman that everybody’s seen and touched. What makes it special for someone who’s actually worth it?? I just know Vivian slut ass need to stay locked up. She the one that be reacting and moaning letting guys know they doing something I like so they take it to the next level. And then she take full control. I swear I got multiple personalities tho. One of em be enjoying it but the other one just watching in disgust…