Why is my life this way

Someone please tell me why no one I care about wants to hang with me… like yeah there are plenty of people who would love to be around me but it’s such a huge disconnect. I really be wondering how they don’t notice that shit. Like I’m legit talking and you react completely different than how I’m telling the story. Or else you’re talking and I know it’s something you’re excited about but I’m disgusted…. like I’m trying to tell this girl about this guy I was excited and hopeful about. Somehow she got from my story that he was weird and creepy…. she’s telling me about her man and stuff she thinks is cute and I’m just disgusted.

But how am I the only one who notices that we’re not on the same wavelength????? Like it should be a mutual understanding that we cannot be close friends. But now I look like a bitch cuz I gotta tell people I don’t feel close to them because they don’t understand me or I feel like we don’t vibe 🙄🙄🙄

Then there’s the people I actually do vibe with. Right now it’s one girl and the rest are men. One man we talked on the phone for forever before he went MIA. Probably got a gf but idk why he don’t just say that. Even still I never saw him in person. One man thinks he’s too old or I need to be having fun or whatever so he don’t ask to hang out. He’ll call me rarely but I still never see him. Some people I’ll see in the cafeteria but that’s not an intimate setting at all. The girl I’ll see but her man is so controlling of her time that I see her like once a week and those times we generally be trying to get money. I see her and her man argue all the time and he always try to rush her home and a lot of the time she does what he says and doesn’t talk to me. I can’t let myself get attached to someone when I never know when I’ll be ignored and when I’ll get to speak to her.

What I want, no what I need is a human being who understands me to spend time with me regularly. Someone to study with, someone to talk about the world with. Yes I want adventures and fun but I also want intense conversations, I want someone to challenge my mind. Someone to talk about fears and vulnerabilities with. Someone who’s not focused on materialistic things, someone who’s not thinking about sex every time he’s with me. I want intimacy. Not physical, but emotional intimacy.

I just don’t get why it’s so difficult. Like it’s sooo easy to plan your day and make time for everything you need to do. So why the fuck the people I want to spend time with never want to be around me 😞 I ask, I really do. But they don’t come. Or else they say they’ll come if I let them fuck 😡.

It’s legit the same problem. Every single person who wants and is willing to be around me I feel disconnected from. The very few people I actually connect with I never see.

Why.

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