I realized why I’m so self conscious.
The way I live my life, I present myself in layers. So certain people know certain aspects about me, but not others. The thing about me is my layers are contradictory. Sometimes I’m a hoe and sometimes I’m disgusted by hoes. Sometimes I’m a nerd and sometimes I hate people that try hard on everything. So how that plays out, is people who know one side of me would be very very shocked if they found out about certain other sides of me.
Where does that leave me? I have to be sure that people never find out about the other sides of me. How do I do that? I make sure that any time I’m in public I’m aware of what I’m doing and how I’m acting to make sure nothing will give away anything people may not know.
I mean ideally I could just let them be shocked and go about my day, but idk that’s hard for me. I guess I take things to heart, so I care that other people know what to expect from me. Simple comments of shock make me want to go hide in a corner. And I definitely know certain things will cause more than shock. Not everything I do is acceptable by society, so I’ll definitely be judged for it. I know I shouldn’t worry about other people judging me, but I really like having a good image in other people’s eyes. I want it so bad that I don’t even want to work on not wanting it….
I think good things come from people liking you. They trust you, so you can ask for favors. They’re less likely to be mad at you if you mess up one time. When people like you they won’t broadcast your failures like people who hate you. Idk in my mind it’s a desirable thing to have as many people as possible like me.
So I guess I’ll just stay self conscious. At least now I know where it comes from, so if I ever do decide to work on it I know where to start.