Daddy Issues

I feel like such a unicorn. Like I can never find anyone who thinks what I do is normal. I’m a 21 year old who’s not a virgin but doesn’t want to have sex. Oh but I still love being around men and staying the night and cuddling and rubbing and​ touching.

Everyone expects men to get frustrated with that. ‘Obviously’ if a beautiful woman is laying in bed next to them they’re going to get horny. ‘Everyone knows’ men always want sex so they’re going to get tired of me not giving it to them​ after a while. But you wouldn’t believe how many women have the same reaction too. Like so you don’t have sex with them? Then why are they there? Well once you have sex you can’t forget it so you can’t expect them to be ok not fucking… Like okay??? We claim to be better than other animals but yet we can’t control our sex drives? You mean to tell me that just because someone has had sex before they can no longer control their animalistic desires?

I’ve had sex before and granted it wasn’t the best experience but I know how to control myself even when a man is constantly begging me to change my mind. I can only imagine how much easier it should be to control yourself when the woman you’re with doesn’t want to go there. Now I guess is when people would argue, well yeah you can control yourself but you don’t have to keep putting yourself in a situation you don’t like. And it’s like ok I get it but why is it so common for people to want to fuck everything?? I’m not just talking about men either, no it’s gender equality over here. Men and women alike have the tendency to want to hump any and everything they have some type of attraction for.

Am I just that different that I don’t want any man’s penis inside of me? Is it because of my experiences or is it because I just don’t like sex as much as the average person? Is it because I actually listen to my spirit when it tells me it doesn’t receive pleasure from having sexual encounters with men I’m not emotionally attached to? Is it because I come from a family who pushed abstinence until marriage and even though I can no longer save myself until marriage I’m trying to stick to the closest alternative?

I just feel so exposed and ridiculed for speaking my intentions. I almost want to leave the impression ​that I fuck just like everybody else but then I get scared that if I don’t let the guy know ahead of time that he’ll rape me. Idk if I’m just scared or if these are real fears…

All I want is a man’s presence to hold me and show me affection. I guess these are my daddy issues. When I was little I was almost constantly cuddled up with one of my parents then as I got older it stopped. Idk when or why. There was a post on this libra page talking about how during puberty the father of a libra woman (my dad) would withdraw due to noticing the maturation and sexual features in his daughter (me). This withdrawal is the dad’s coping mechanism for noticing that his baby girl is becoming a woman and he has to be ok with it because he can’t stop it. But on the daughters part she/I is not even aware of what elicits sexual attention from men and how desirable she is physically and​ therefore has no idea why the father is withdrawing and comes to the conclusion that something is wrong with her, leaving her to believe for the rest of her life until she sits to do self healing that she has a flaw within her that causes people to withdraw from her.

I really just had a deep realization just now of why I’m scared of people leaving. If that father/daughter scenario is the case, and I believe it is because of how accurately it portrays my life and beliefs, that would be why I’m scared to get close to people. My poor little 14 year old self remembers being close to my dad only for him to withdraw from me and leave me alone. Maybe I just need to get back close with him to heal the wound, maybe I need to do something else. Idk.

Either way, I desire affection from a man. But that’s all I’m comfortable with doing. If I go any further I experience different levels of discomfort. Sometimes it’s just a “what are you doing” question I ask myself. The worst one was a couple weeks ago when I felt exposed and violated and tbh I felt like I was raped but the man didn’t do anything he shouldn’t have. The issue was he was in my bed and I allowed him to turn me on to the point where he was very excited about what would happen next. The moment I realized that was when I regretted my decision, but I didn’t say anything because I hate getting men horny then not making them cum. It’s like bedroom commandments in my eyes.

Thou shalt not turn a partner on then refuse to finish.

I kind of didn’t realize what I was doing would make him that horny but even if I unintentionally turn a man on I feel obligated to give him a nut. Of course that’s not a smart rule to live by because I turn men on just by existing. Maybe a better rule to live by would be do not agree to a sexual favor or purposefully turn a man on if you do not 100% believe you will make him cum. But either way, at the time I felt obligated to make him cum. At the same time I also was trying to convince myself that it was a bad rule to live by because I need​ to protect my own self interests. Essentially that left me laying on the bed wanting him to stop what he was doing but not actually saying anything to him. From a man’s perspective there was no way for him to know the battle going on in my mind, but the battle was oh so real that it left me feeling like he was doing things to me without my permission even though he had no idea. My body was still reacting like normal so he thought everything was good meanwhile my mind is yelling at me to tell him to stop… The end result was me feeling gross and violated and upset at myself for letting things get so far and disgusted by any man I looked at. It was by far the highest level of discomfort​ I have ever experienced.

This was an extreme example of how I feel doing anything sexual with a man I don’t like and all he did was play with my nipples. Because of this I try to just stay away from it until I find a man. But my desire/need for physical affection does not go away. It needs to be from a man sometimes too but I feel so out of place in this world asking a man to just come and hold me when he’s not my man.

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