I’m sad. I can’t be around my friend as much as I want because of her bf. And when I am with her I gotta watch what I say and listen to nearly constant arguments. It’s draining. I just want peace and happiness.
Then I want a man right? I’d prefer to have a man I like be in a real relationship, but if that can’t happen I want male company. And I had that for a while but now we just had an argument I guess and he hung up in my face. He’s acting like he finally understand that I will never have sex with him and he feels that’s unfair because I get what I want from him but he doesn’t get what he wants from me. I’m not mad just sad that he’s leaving.
I never had any type of feelings for him or even was attracted to him really but I felt safe. I knew for sure that he wouldn’t go further than what I wanted him to go. I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about him trying to sneak and do something anyway or him constantly trying to ask me to change my mind or him trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants. You don’t know how rare that is that I can actually feel like that with a man. Every time I’m with a man I feel like I have to be on my guard because the second I let my guard down he’ll try another way to get what he wants. The most dangerous thing is when they try to kiss and bite so I get turned on and actually consider it. That’s when I get close.
I’m starting to get back into this feeling of not having anyone I connect with. I was just with my brother and friend and had a great time but it wasn’t enough. Something was missing.
I probably just want a man but that pisses me off. Why I gotta have a man to be happy?? Why I gotta have a man to appreciate all the good things going on in my life??
I’m back in this place of feeling like I have nobody to talk to who will understand me. Like N*** over here thinking that I actually like the welder and that im just dying to be in a relationship with B***y. I mean yeah once upon a time I was dying to date the man but I don’t get why when I say I don’t like him she doesn’t believe me… I feel like who I am is so different that no one can understand or relate to me. Like how can you possibly like having someone there and get sad when they don’t want to talk to you anymore but you still don’t have feelings for them? I think it’s simple. Like there’s so many kinds of relationships. I can enjoy a person’s company without wanting to date them or fuck them even. And speaking of fucking why is it so difficult for people to believe that I don’t fuck nobody?? Yes people stay the night with me but we don’t fuck. It’s just how I live my life, is it that abnormal????????