I’m not really sure exactly but I’ve been in a bad mood all day, and the thing that got me out my mood was calling my ex. He didn’t even answer but all of a sudden I went from feeling miserable and lonely and sad my parents don’t have money and feeling trapped in the suburbs with no transportation, feeling horny and upset I don’t have anyone to be freaky with and feeling like I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or see anybody besides my bed to immediately feeling calm.
Why do I do such things? The world may never know. All I know is that I was feeling gross and annoyed and a simple phone call changed all that. I can now get up and do healthy things like eat and recharge outside.
I was scared to call him. Idk what he thinks about me exactly so I was scared. Last time I saw him we were on good terms tho so that’s why I did. I remember the last things I was thinking were how I have daddy issues from my dad being broke my whole life. We have an innate need for our father to be present in our lives and provide us love, acceptance, security, and everything we need. I got love and security but the acceptance, I mean I guess he accepts me because I’m still living in his house but I don’t feel like it. Judgmental people make me feel like they don’t accept me. But either way my feelings of being unaccepted is the only thing that really matter and without a doubt he was unable to provide me with everything I need.
He has not paid a single penny for my college career, no books tuition nothing, I am currently without a car, in need of a new phone, computer and place to live, new clothes, etc. Of course I’m not blaming him. He got a wife and 4 kids. It’s not easy and I know he’s doing the best he can but I can’t turn my innate needs off. That’s why I’m out here looking for a sugar daddy. A true sugar daddy not the prostitution people are doing nowadays claiming to be sugar. I’m looking for a rich man who will listen to me and advise me a love me and accept me and pay for everything I need like my father was never able to 😦
I got daddy issues. I’m well aware of it and I think it’s ok. What else am I supposed to do? Sit up and talk to my dad about how I have issues because he could never provide for me so he can be all depressed and feel inadequate and not be able to change anything? Nahh I’d rather not. I’ll just be a woman about it and find what I’ve been lacking my whole life.
I got wayy off track. The point of this was to highlight the drastic change from before an after I called my ex. I was scared to call him but for some reason it felt right. A couple nights ago I called this other guy and I knew I shouldn’t but I was coming up with all kids of reasons why it wouldn’t be that bad.
*Sidenote: If I’m arguing with myself and coming up with reasons why I should do something then I probably shouldn’t, but if I’m coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t then I probably should.
But today was different. I knew it was a good idea to call him but I’m looking for all kinds of reasons not to and looking at different horoscopes trying to find confirmation that it’s what I’m supposed to be doing and all kinds of nonsense. Of course I did decide to listen to my intuition and call him because that’s what I’ve been doing with my life: trusting myself.
Boy oh boy was I rewarded. The man didn’t even answer the phone but I automatically felt a sense of calm. Like what the heck?? How does that happen? Was that a reward for me doing the right thing? Was I in a bad mood because I hadn’t done what I needed to do yet? Like my spirit was unsettled until the task was complete? These spiritual things make no sense to me.
What if it’s not been spiritual? What if the mere thought of him contacting me later (which I’m sure he will because he always does) makes me happy. Like just knowing that I’ll get to talk to one of my best friends brings me peace. I really forgot to mention how after I realized my daddy issues I realized that’s why I look to find men to comfort me and take care of me and I started thinking about the men in my life that I wanted to be around and right then I hear this car drive by with really loud music and bass. I instantly got jealous and realized I want to be with a hood nigga. And then I realized I had a hood nigga and got sad.
It was at that point that I began contemplating calling my ex. I wanted to tell him that I love him and miss him. I wanted to explain to him how my feelings for him have progressed. I wanted to tell him how dealing with all these other niggas made me realize how perfect he is for me. I wanted to apologize for everything I put him through. I wanted to give him full explanations for the short answers I have to him in the past. I wanted to completely open up and spill my soul. So I called him.
I wish I knew why a simple phone call could change my emotions like that but oh well. Still learning about myself.