I’m gonna be a loner

I don’t get what’s so confusing when I say I want friends. How does friends translate into a man??? What part of me saying I want someone to listen to me and I want someone who understands me sounds like I want a boyfriend??? Is this some secret code that I never learned? “Oh yeah when we say friend we actually mean boyfriend teehee hee”

Like what the fuck bro. I’m legit sick of people trying to tell me what they think I need based off what I tell them I need. One thing I do know about myself is what the fuck I desire. I have almost no idea how to get that shit but I always know exactly what the fuck I want. It’s nothing else for you to figure out. When I say I want no no no, need a friend it’s because I know there’s a day that’s getting closer and closer where I’ll be sitting somewhere by myself crying and lonely with so much to say and no one to say it to like I am right now.

A boyfriend would not help me right now. Honestly wouldn’t. A boyfriend can’t provide me the same type of friendship as a woman can. Why is it so hard for me to find friends? I really wish someone would help me 😔 I keep telling myself things but after a while I don’t believe it anymore. I start to wonder if I’m supposed to just be by myself. If I’m supposed to learn how to be on my own with nobody. But that doesn’t sound natural at all. Humans are social creatures, we work together.

Do people think I’m kidding when I say I’m depressed? Like the responses I get are so dismissive. Somebody ask me how I’m doing and I say well I’m actually depressed rn and they just act like normal. Like it’s not a serious situation. I am depressed! I need help! Does no one want to help me???? Can I help me? If I can I don’t know how….

Every time I’m sad I think about what I can do to make myself feel better. I think about what my happy place would be at the moment and right now my happy place is a womb. It’s dark and I’m alone, but I’m close to my mother, someone who loves me dearly, I don’t know anything about the world. I’m just there, enjoying the food brought to me straight through the cord. I’m taken care of and provided for and cuddled and loved. That’s what I want rn.

How can I tell you, my friend, that I’m depressed and you dismiss it by saying I’m always depressed or even worse don’t even reply. If I’m always depressed you should be more concerned because it’s a chronic condition, why am I not taken seriously???

So I’m sitting in this church parking lot behind my house. I had stopped crying and was feeling better except it got really hot and I’m hungry. I’m thinking about leaving but I still don’t want to go home. So this man from the church walks up to my car and he’s like helloo, are you ok? I say I’m ok cuz I really don’t think he can help me and that’s what I do. If you can’t help me I don’t burden you with my problems. So I tell him I’m good and then he starts asking why I’m here and saying I can talk to him. What threw me off is he said he had a phone too and I’m like what you want me to text you my problems? I don’t get it. But he’s offering to listen and I guess relate and I start thinking hmm maybe I should talk to him, maybe I’m being too closed minded. So I’m like shrugging my shoulders like idk I might tell you. And then some other bitch comes. He’s like straight to the point like what you doing here? Using the wifi what? And as the first man tells him what all he’s said to me, he said I was nice enough but I wouldn’t tell him why I’m here, I realized they both just want me to leave.

I’m at a fucking church thinking oh this might be a good place to get some positive energy. Christianity is all about spreading love, you know? But this dickhead obviously missed that memo. He’s more worried about who knows what and getting me out his parking lot. Like somebody please explain to me what threat I pose sitting in a fucking parking lot in my damn work uniform crying? I know damn well both they asses saw me crying and not one hint of concern was in those men. I know because I can feel people’s thoughts. That’s my skill. And neither one of those people was concerned about my mental health, they just wanted me gone. The first one at least tried to be nicer about it but dangg what am I actually going to do to your damn church? It’s fucking friday so I’m not taking up parking spots you need for church. I’m sitting here minding my business so I’m not vandalizing anything. I’ve been here for hours so obviously I’m not trying to steal anything. Idk do you think I’m trying to blow myself up along with your church? I’m really struggling trying to come up with reasons why it’s so important that I leave on any time schedule and why I need fucking supervisors while I’m here. These hoes really sitting in their car waiting until I leave and I know that’s gonna piss me all the way off if I leave and they pull out right after me because I know that’s the only reason they’re still here. I’m trying so hard not to curse this church but fuck them. I should be getting prayer from 3 motherfuckers right now worried about my life and how I’m dealing with it and these hoes only worried about me leaving. Where is the love????

I guess I only spoke to 2 so the third one might actually care but idk. Based on how the other 2 were I’m assuming not.

Oh thank God he left. He wasn’t waiting on me.

I’m going to try something. Since I seem to have tried everything else to make friends and still end up back in the same place. I’m going to try the one thing I haven’t tried yet. To be a loner.

I’m deleting all my social media (already done), I’m thinking I might delete some contacts, but I’m just going to go through life trying to be by myself as much as possible.

I got the idea because yesterday when I woke up for work I was feeling a bit weird. But they sent me home and when I got home I was sitting outside by myself and I instantly felt better. I took a picture and I looked all Zen’d out and happy. I posted it on my snapchat and today when I’m all depressed and crying and I’m looking at it like where did that go? Why was I so happy then and I’m so miserable now and then it hit me. I was by myself then. And then I left to go hang out with people I don’t even like. I think that’s my trigger, when I want friends but then I spend time with the wrong people it makes everything worse. And well there’s my period too that’s coming soon so everything is amplified. But either way, they’re real emotions and I decided that if I can be that peaceful when I’m by myself then I want to be by myself as much as possible.

What is it that always pisses me off? People. I get mad when people don’t text me back, or when people don’t understand me or when people are unreliable and I can’t do what I planned. So fuck em. I can’t be mad ima just do it on my own. I’m not going out no more to find friends. I’m going out to have fun, to learn, to enjoy life. If somebody wanna be my friend they gotta prove to be trustworthy and reliable before I start expecting anything from them. We’ll see how this goes.

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5 thoughts on “I’m gonna be a loner

  1. Naah you won’t be loner. You will eventually find that person. In the meantime just bathe in your awesomeness, drink some unicorn tears and you’ll be fine.

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