Oh my god I feel so much better. I’ve been holding that inside of me for soo long. 9 months bro. I could have created a whole baby with the time I’ve been holding this in. I think I tried to write a letter before when it was fresh but my thoughts were so scattered. For the past few months I’ve known exactly what I wanted to say, exactly what bothered me about how each one of them reacted and I wanted to go back and say it. But I can’t go back in time so I just replayed the situation over and over again in my head. It would come up at the weirdest times. The things that tied to it in my mind seem so irrelevant. It’ll just pop up and leave me feeling squeamish and dirty 😔
I haven’t felt dirty in a while, that’s good.
But it’s all gone now. I wrote letters to all of them except my ex. (Well JJ too I guess but he doesn’t even live in this state anymore, he’s so far removed from the situation he barely even counts) There’s nothing I need to say to him, why? Because we talked about it. I told him what frustrated me about how he acted and I gave him a proper apology and he apologized for how he reacted. There is literally nothing else I could want from him in that situation. I said what I needed to say and heard what I needed to hear. He been told me he loved me which automatically made me feel even better than any of the rest of them. He was yelling at me and told me he loved me which is more than any of the rest of them did.
From this I want to always remember. When you hold things in, they get ugly. They pester you again and again. When you let that shit out it’s gone forever. You’re free. No one even has to respond you just need to speak your mind.
I realized also that my guilt stems from how much pain I felt. Of course I’m not going to let anyone who hurts me know how much damage they did, so I’m going to act like everything’s ok. But it most definitely was not. The bus driver noticed. He said my energy was bad, he didn’t know why but he noticed. I was not ok. I’m still scarred from that. I’ve had a distant relationship with every single one of those mother fuckers since then (9 months ago) if I have any relationship at all. I’m not setting myself up for failure. No, no, no. Leave me once, you can leave me again. I think my inner critic wants to believe that they left me because of my mistake, so I keep replaying the mistake over and over again, when really they left me because of their personality. I wanna say flaw but that’s my opinion.
I felt a lot of pain, I still feel a lot of pain if I let myself feel those emotions. It’s not fun. Having your whole life go upside down. Having nearly everyone you know cut you off. And knowing all of it started because of your mistake, it makes sense why I’d want to never make a mistake again. Why my inner critic would want me to feel guilty for what I did. She doesn’t want me to ever go through something like that again. She never wants to feel that much pain ever again.