I feel guilty af

Oh dear lord I desperately need to talk to myself so I can give myself advice.

I think my dad is depressed and what would help him not be depressed is spending good quality time with his family aka me. But what he likes to do is sit at the house and watch movies all day (I guess he’d be willing to do other stuff if I said that’s what I wanted to do) but if I sit at the house all day I’ll be depressed.

He hasn’t put the dishes away, washed the dishes, done anything really, he’s asking me what I want to do tomorrow and I could tell he was really excited to spend the holiday with me and I’m freaking leaving 😭😭😭😭 I feel so bad and I’m trying to convince myself that it’s not my job to be my dad’s life and fun and happiness but thats my freaking father. Ughhh I’m trying to stop sacrificing myself to take care of other people but it’s sooo hard. These are people I care about bro. My freaking dad created me. He gave me the life I live. He raised me to be the woman I am. He’s made sooooo many sacrifices for me. I want soo bad to sacrifice and make him happy but I know I’ll be draining myself. I’m already freaking depression prone (that’s sad but actually true) so anything that drains me will leave me miserable. I have to have to have to watch my happiness and take care of me but oh my god you don’t understand how hard it is.

I need me to break everything down for me and tell me I’m doing the right thing because rn I really don’t know. I’m so conflicted in my mind. Like it’s my father, he’s sacrificed for me so why shouldn’t I sacrifice for him??? I’m really thinking will I be that miserable at home with him? Ughh if I didn’t already have plans I’d definitely stay at home but I’m not going to cancel my plans to sit at this house all day.  

See now he’s annoying me but that might just be because I haven’t spent a couple hours by myself after work. I’m talking to people and being fake all day and when I come home I gotta shut the world out and recharge before I can be social again. I guess that’s how introverts feel all the time. I only feel like that with people I’m not close to. If I’m close to you, you recharge me. But if not, I’m drained being in your presence. I swear I love my dad so much but I hate being at home because of stuff exactly like this. I feel guilty for going out and having fun. He likes to spend time with his family and stay at home and I like to run around the city and talk to strangers 😊

I be so conflicted because when people I care about are unhappy I want to make him happy but I can’t help everybody. Tbh he had an opportunity to go somewhere this weekend. My mom asked him if he wanted to go with her and he chose to stay at home. So maybe this is his time to think about his actions? Bitch idk im just making up stuff. But I mean, everything that happens is supposed to happen so if he’s going to be at home for the holiday then it must be a reason why. 

Jesus I don’t want to be talked to rn. I just wanna sit here and be to myself. Gosh. And then I feel bad for not wanting to talk to my father but dang. It’s draining. You’re not my close friend. You’re family and I love you but it takes energy away from me to have a conversation with you. Why idk, I wish I wasn’t like this. I don’t want to be drained from talking to the people that created me. That’s so messed up but it’s the reality.

I just wish I could stop feeling guilty for living my damn life 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😔😔😔😔😔😔. I want to be his dream daughter but shit I gotta be me. There must be a reason why I felt compelled to find something to do and then I actually found something. I never think of A**** when I’m thinking of finding something to do. I just hope I’m not going to feel guilty the whole time and I’ll be able to have fun. Shit I hope I have fun so it’s worth it. I can’t leave my dad at home by himself just for me to have a bad time. And I’d be spending money tomorrow? Oh no, I’m having fun. I just pray I can get over this desire to be my family’s happiness. They have to find their own happiness the same way I gotta find mine. I’m not my dad’s friend, I’m his daughter. That’s all I need to be. I don’t need to be his therapist or anything else. Just his daughter. I’m sorry you’re going to be at home for the holiday but you’re a taurus. Y’all don’t like people as much as we do anyway. So hopefully you’ll have a grand old time by yourself. That’s what I pray. Any old day I’d be confident but it’s the holiday and he wants to be able to say he did something of status over the holiday, whether that’s pop fireworks with his daughter, barbecue for friends, travel, gotta be something. I know my dad. I know what he wants and that’s what hurts me so much. I know, and not only that I know, but I can feel his disappointment. It’s not that he hates me or thinks I’m doing anything wrong, he’s just sad that he doesn’t get to spend as much time with me as he wants to. But me? I gotta keep a distance. I can’t talk to him or be around him every day. I’ll get irritated and then cranky. I don’t like it but it’s the truth. Me and my dad are not compatible. Idk what to talk to him about. How I skip class? How I barely study? How I let men I barely know stick their fingers in my vagina? How old men at work are telling me they wanna see me topless?? Like what the fuck do people talk to their parents about?

I don’t wanna be one of those people that say to leave a comment just to have comments, but Jesus if you know anything that can help me actually enjoy talking to my family I’d greatly appreciate it if you let me know.

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