I think I just realized why I don’t like my parents. I was looking online seeing if other people felt the same way and hoping I’d see something to fix it because I feel awful being iritated by the amazing human beings who create me and would literally do anything in the world for me. My mom is fixing a car for me to drive as we speak. I saw her outside and almost started crying because I feel so bad. I think so many negative things about her and her husband and I just don’t know what to do.
So I went to the internet to hopefully find some help. The first thing that helped was seeing a post saying that I have annoyed them as much as they annoy me. It’s weird but that made me feel a lot better. I guess because how great they are to me now and I annoyed them that much? Or probably more like it’s kind of even. Not like I’m trying to pay them back, but idk I feel less guilty because the people I idolize and appreciate so much have felt the same way about me.
The second thing I saw was a suggestion to make a list of all the things they do that annoy me and work to eliminate them, whether that’s talking to them, fixing myself, or accepting that it just is. It was a very mature approach because I realized I have a habit of complaining about things that can be changed. Instead of having a simple conversation, I conplain about it because I don’t want to bring it up.
Part of it is because I don’t want to let my parents know I’m unhappy with something they’re doing. They do so much for me already and I feel bad that it’s not enough for me but it’s not so I gotta do what I gotta do. Like the food for instance. My dad went grocery shopping and bought all kinds of sugar and junk food. My mom kept saying to just give him a list and then she told him I didn’t like what he bought because it was a lot of junk and I could tell how that affected him. It was like he failed. His baby girl wasn’t happy, it wasn’t enough. I know he couldn’t provide me with everything I needed and it hurts his soul. It hurts my soul knowing how he feels. Knowing that he feels inadequate. That’s why he’s so hard on me about being an engineer. He wants to make sure my kids are provided for like his kids never were. I’m literally crying thinking about how sad that is. That’s why you get so many dead beat dads. They will have better mental health knowing they have a child they’re completely ignoring rather than looking in that child’s eyes every day and knowing they can’t give them everything they want and need.
I get it now. I honestly do. I wish people would stop having babies so often. Please wait until you’re financially ready. It’s better for the child and the fathers. That way they can get the best of both worlds. They can be in their child’s life and provide for them like they are biologically designed to.
But anyway, so I keep reading and researching different people’s opinion. Of course there’s the people who have close relationships with their parents and they’re talking about how ungrateful you have to be not to enjoy being with your parents and there’s the people who assume you’re a bratty teenager who thinks you know everything about life and don’t need your parents anymore.
Then there’s the people who actually give helpful advice. Somebody made a post saying they are annoyed with their parents for no reason. I’m like omg mee too!! So I click on it and see this answer that blew my mind. This person goes I don’t believe they annoy you for no reason. It might be a subconscious reason but it’s a reason.
Now I’m thinking hmm that actually makes a lot of sense. Let me figure this reason out. I keep reading and he suggests that it’s because you see your parents’ flaws. They don’t hold a sense of authority over you anymore and you notice they have anxiety or forgetfulness or some other normal human characteristic but coming from being a child viewing your parents as perfect and flawless to being a mature adult and seeing your parents shortcomings is weird. It’s annoying and frustrating. You literally have to switch your brain from idolizing your parents to just respecting them and loving them.
What makes it worse is when you notice how much you’re learning and growing and to see your parents stagnant.
After all the research I did today I realized, consciously that my parents annoy me because they are flawed human beings. My parents are incompatible and I don’t think they should ever have gotten married (of course I’m thankful or else I wouldn’t be here).
My parents don’t have lives of their own so I feel like they depend on me for their happiness which is unhealthy for both of us. My mom doesn’t have friends so she complains about my dad to her kids (me) which is bad because now I’m hearing negative things about my father from a highly subjective viewpoint (my mom seems to have missed the libra trait of understanding where other people come from). Neither of my parents have learned that they are drastically different from each other and they just need to accept each other as they are instead of trying to get the other person to change. It seems everything is so simple and they’ve had so many years to figure it out. I guess they also spent a lot of years dealing with me and my siblings. So hopefully now that we’re all grown and almost all out the house they’ll get everything together.
It also bothers me that the house is so run down. I thought my dad was tripping when he would complain when I was younger but now I’m older and I think it’s disgusting. I also get annoyed not having my own space. I want to be able to walk around naked if I want. I want to go downstairs and get food and not be asked a question or be lectured about how I shouldn’t have changed my major. It’s just nice being able to go places and no one has to know. Idk why I’m such a secretive person. Maybe that’s all a result of my parents being strict. I thought the secretiveness would end with my parents but I think I carried it on to other things and people. I’m used to not telling my parents where I’m going so now I don’t tell anyone. Maybe that’s why N*** doesn’t tell me anything. Her parents are more strict than mine so maybe she’s more secretive.