I have to remind myself whenever I’m thinking straight because I know he’s not my man. There’s too many signs and symptoms but I be forgetting sometimes. He treated me good. He treated me real good. Still does honestly. He did damn near everything right. Stuff other girls be complaining about, he never did. He met me, wanted me, got me. There were no games, there was no stress, there was no confusion, no secrets, no mistrust, great communication. It was honestly a smooth relationship.
Even after we broke up he still treated me good. He doesn’t ever ignore me. He listens to what I want to say, he can sit on the phone yelling at me and still say he loves me. Who does that?
But despite all the good I know he’s not my man.
The thing about him is whenever I’m with him, I close up. Even if I’m not closed up, I don’t have the same feelings for him that I do when I think about him or when I talk to him on the phone. I didn’t even realize how much I liked him until he wasn’t speaking to me for months. My attachment to him is because of a sense of safety he gives me not necessarily because I have feelings for him.
I don’t think I’m explaining it right. But it’s like your energy tells you who you need to be with and who you need to stay away from. So when we met, all we did was talk on the phone for the first couple weeks. That’s how our attachment grew. It’s a connection of our minds. That’s very important to me but it’s not the only thing that’s necessary. When I’m with you I should be happy to see you. My energy should always rise in your presence never be neutral or decrease.
He never disrespected me or anything but when I’m with him I can tell it’s off. Like we could be friends or something but not date. He probably feels that too now that I’m thinking about it. We know and understand each other so we both care about each other a lot but I think he realized before me that we’re not meant to be. We can talk all day long but the matching of energy that you need for a relationship isn’t there.
On top of that, I was ashamed of him. I was ashamed of how we met. I was ashamed of his job(s), I was ashamed of the pictures he posted. For years I never showed anyone what he looked like. But the bus driver I’d be ready to show his pictures. That’s how I know we’re not meant to be. I want to be proud of my man. I want to be proud to say I’m his girl. I don’t want a secretive relationship and to be embarrassed to talk about what he does. It’s different if other people don’t approve and I’m just worried about what they think, that’s really irrelevant, but if I don’t approve that’s an issue.
I love him so much and I’m honestly scared I’ll never find man as good as him, but I have to let him go. I know he’s not for me but I want him 😭😭. I don’t approve of his career, I don’t approve of his lifestyle, he wants a girl that’s more ratchet than me, those are things that you can’t change. He is who he is and I’m ashamed of it.
I want a man I’ll be happy to be seen with him in public, I’ll be waiting for somebody to ask me what he looks like. I know that’s what I need but I gotta keep saying it until I believe it 🙄
He’s not my man. I gotta let go.