Thought I was babysitting

I’m so conflicted. Idk whether to accept and justify my emotions or ignore them and force myself to think positively. Sometimes I be feeling like I get depressed because when bad things happen I focus on it and make it worse but then I wonder if that’s just what people say when they don’t understand depression and I believe it.

I’m highly fucking upset right now and I can’t change the situation at the moment so it leaves me feeling stuck and sad. I hate feeling sad, I’m trying to be happy and enjoy life. So I’m asking myself what I need to do. And basically what I need to do is leave this fucking place but I can’t. So now I’m like alright well you’re stuck here so you might as well just accept it and move on. But do you know how hard that is?????? For something to happen and piss you off and then you just accept it because you can’t do anything about it? Like wtf.

First of all I was lied to. How can you tell someone “Oh I’m just going to sign some papers” and “I’ll only be gone a couple hours” when you know full well you’re going to a fucking mental hospital and last time you tried that it took 4 hours. Bitch. Idk what’s worse, for you to lie to yourself that bad that you think this time will be quick and easy or for you to lie to me just to get me here to fucking babysit.

I agreed because I wanted to spend time with him. I thought I had a couple hours but turns out his bed time is fucking 7:30 so we only played for maybe 20 minutes. Now I’m like alright that wasn’t long and now I have nothing to do but I’ll be back home in a couple of hours πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒ.

The part that pisses me off is A) being lied to B) fucking waiting for you to show up not knowing it’s going to be fucking forever (I guess I get how Letty felt at work when she was expecting a relief from her stress and she’s waiting and waiting, trying to be patient only to find out her relief isn’t fucking coming and the manager knew ahead of time) and C) they got this bitch cold as fuck.

I know I got anemia and whatever but I get cold very very very easily. And when I’m cold idk how other people feel but my body reacts badly. My eyeballs will literally be cold, I feel physically uncomfortable. I’m sitting in this cold ass house, in my stinky work uniform cuz I didn’t wash it, just waiting and waiting for them to come home freezing my ass to death. And then my uncle finally tells me I’ll probably be staying the night because it’s going to take forever but he knew that already.

I’m going back and forth between thinking this is a lesson to say no? Wondering if this was like a prank by the universe cuz I kept saying I didn’t want to be at home? Wondering if this was even more like Letty’s situation where I’m going to end up getting money I need from this stress? Wondering if I’m just trippin and ruminating and the situation really isn’t that bad.

He said it’s going to be worth my time so we’ll see what happens. I’m just trying to stay positive at this point but I need to fucking eat, I’m scared to leave the bathroom because I’ll freeze and I know I still haven’t read over the chapters I was supposed to for my class tomorrow. I was so determined to do this lil summer session right, I wasn’t going to start off not procrastinating or waiting until the last minute.

The other thing I be wondering is if I get put in these situations because I’ve been slacking on spending time seeking God. Because I get in these stressful situations and want to call someone but no one answers. I’m literally left with myself and god.

I’m cold as shit, I’m hungry as shit, my retarded ass phone is broken so I can’t even listen to music without headphones and guess what? I didn’t bring any. Music will literally get me through everything but now I can’t even hide in music.

I feel so troubled. I haven’t been this happy to be at home in a loong time. I got $80 so I guess I just gotta learn how to trust the plan. Everything is going according to plan. It’s always going according to plan. Today was a slow day at work so I barely made any money but me staying late at their house motivated them to pay me. Maybe they were going to pay me at first but probably $20 definitely not 80.

I guess what I learned from this situation was that whenever something is happening that I don’t understand, I do need to just accept that it’s happening. There’s no use in fighting it because I’ll be fighting a losing battle. My peace will come from trusting that I’m always watched over and protected. To fight the plan is to waste my energy.

I’m really drained rn. I’m tired, hungry (but I didn’t even feel the hunger until I got home), stressed. I feel like I’m going through so much emotional stress and struggle. It’s all emotional so most people don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to me. People love to look at your life and think they know how you should feel about things. But regardless, like I told Letty, you can’t let other people take away your happiness.

I feel sooo stressed. I know I stressed myself out today. I was just highly uncomfortable and I hate being lied to and this was the second offense for that woman. Trust I’ma get over it, I’m not even gonna hate her but I will never forget. I will never do another favor for her again. I will never trust anything she says ever again. Idk if that means I haven’t forgiven her but fuck it. 

I feel like a child being forced to do adult things. But I’m tired. I just want to be held in someone’s arms and cry. I want someone who will listen to me talk about what’s bothering me and won’t think I’m mentally unstable or I’m making up problems in my head or being ungrateful or exaggerating issues. I guess this is what people mean when they say stay young while you can. Once you’re an adult you gotta take care of yourself. I always thought it was because they weren’t smart with their money or life choices that they weren’t set up well financially. But now I get it. No one validates your emotions like they do when you’re a child. No one is ready to cuddle you and let you cry when you’re stressed. No one checks on you like they check on children. No one’s going to pick you up and tuck you into bed if you fall asleep on the couch.

I’m still hurt by that. There was no warning or anything but one day I went to sleep on the couch and that’s where tf I woke up πŸ˜”. It still hurts me to this day. I felt abandoned. I feel so detached from people because I don’t feel safe to be myself. Maybe that’s all it is that I’m missing. I feel connected with people that I feel I can sit in their arms and cry. My parents I feel would just feel really bad and heartbroken but idk depending on what it is they might just tell me to get over it or try to give me advice to fix the situation when I just want to know someone is listening to me and cares. That’s why I called all them mother fuckers today because I was trying to find someone who will listen and care about my problems. Then I get mad when either they don’t answer or else they do but don’t understand/validate my feelings. If they think I’m being irrational then I feel like they don’t care.

That’s when I start feeling alone and isolated from the world when I’m dealing with emotional things that are so real to me and no one understands.

Idk if this $80 is worth the stress I endured. Idk why it was so stressful. I guess cuz I’m already mentally weak and tbh unstable a lil bit. So any little thing can push me over the edge.

It’s like that song ‘Dont push me cuz I’m close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head.” That’s how I feel. When I’m happy it’s so fragile it could leave at any second from the smallest thing. It’s like if there was a line between depression and happiness I’m literally standing right next to it. So yeah I am happy but the smallest mother fucking thing will push me right on over that line and send me deep into the dark pockets of my mind. Maybe it’s my fucking diet idk. If you’re not eating right the chemicals in your body will be off. Maybe that’s my problem.

Regardless I know what I need to change in my life. I need to eat better, exercise more and have better connections with people. I desire warmth and intimacy. It seems everyone is cold and distant. It’s either someone doesn’t like being touched, someone’s scared of emotions/busy so we barely speak, this other ho idk what her deal is. She claims I’m her best friendπŸ™„ and she doesn’t wanna lose me and blah blah blah πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„. But then I text her and she doesn’t text back. I give her $20 to put gas in her car and come get me but she never comes and keeps the $20 πŸ€”. It’s like she’s got a whole other life that I don’t know about. Like I’m not your boyfriend, idgaf where you go or who you with, why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Why don’t we have conversations where we just fill each other in on our life. If idk what you’re doing I feel like you’re keeping me at a distance.

Hold up I’m trying to figure out how I can say I have a really good friend but I don’t really care for the people she hangs out with and then someone can understand that to mean that I don’t want her hanging out with anyone but me…. Actually as I’m writing this I see where he’s coming from now. It doesn’t sound like such an insane conclusion. It’s still false because I really don’t give af who she with when she not with me tf am I her boyfriend? Hell nah. All I’m saying is that when I’m with her, I care about who she’s with because I’m with them too. That’s the only reason I care. I don’t want to be spending my time being polite to people I don’t care for and either holding my tongue or causing conflict. It’s as simple as that. But it’s that type of stuff that gets to me. I feel like I speak very clearly but how people receive my words is so different from what I meant. It’s really because people aren’t straightforward with what they say so they assume I’m the same way so they try to read between the lines of what I’m saying. But I say exactly what I mean so if you’re trying to read between the lines you’re going to be reading things that aren’t there. You’re going to be tieing things together that aren’t correlated. I feel like it shouldn’t bother me that much and it doesn’t take that much to just explain what I meant but it really fucking bothers me. I don’t like having to explain everything I say and things being taken the wrong way. Maybe because I’ve experienced relationships where none of that is necessary. It’s like my standards have been raised. 

If you lose a job that pays $32/hour then somebody offers you a minimum wage job you’re going to look at them crazy aren’t you? Like umm I just came from 32 wtf, obviously I’m capable of finding better so I’m going to keep looking. That’s how I feel. I’ve encountered the best of the best connections and now I can’t put up with anything less. Actually I can put up with it but only if I also have a good connection with someone else at the time.

Now I got trust issues. I feel like everyone’s lying and out to get me. 

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