Slut shamed at 15

I think I know why I don’t feel comfortable talking about sexual things. The first time I did something (my first kiss) I told my friend and this other girl I knew overheard and called me a slut. I mean she laughed and said she was kidding and whatever but we all know she was serious. She felt that way because I wasn’t dating the boy I kissed.

This is, what, right at the end of freshman year in high school so I was 15 years old. At first I didn’t really care I was like well I just kissed him…  But I still remember what she said to this day so of course it actually bothers me.

Then as time went on and the more I did and the further I went I consciously felt bad about doing all that before I had a boyfriend. It’s like I consoled myself before by thinking that I had only kissed someone I wasn’t dating. But then when I began to do weird freaky shit I still had never had a boyfriend and it bothered me so much. It still bothers me to the point where I feel like I shouldn’t be doing anything outside of a relationship.

Of course I can tell myself that its just me having morals and maybe the universe made her say that right at the start of my sexual experience to always remind me of what I need to be doing. I think I believe it too, it’s perfect timing. But then it could also be that I’m just the victim of society shaming me into thinking it’s wrong to do the things my body wants to do.

Now it’s a different story, mostly, because I’ve been unsatisfied with a lot of encounters and I know it’s because they’re lacking emotional intimacy and commitment and consistency. I don’t wanna open up and give myself to a man and then a couple weeks later I never hear from him again or else it’s a month or so before I see him again.

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