Why I gotta defend myself

See this why I don’t like telling people. I don’t like explaining myself because no one understands me. It’s always gotta be you shouldn’t do this or you shouldn’t do that and when people tell me that, I take that shit serious and it bothers me. I want to shut myself up in a room right now. I don’t feel safe. I started hyperventilating thinking about going to class.

Or if it’s not somebody telling me what I should and shouldn’t do it’s somebody trying to come up with some trauma I been through being the reason I don’t want to have sex and that’s not the case at all. I just don’t want to. I’m very particular about it. I have my reasons and my reasons are my reasons and nobody else’s. Your job isn’t to figure out why I don’t want to do something. Your job is to listen and respect that I know whats best for me and my body, that’s it.

Yes I been through some shit but that’s not why I do what I do. At all. It really upsets me that every time I bring it up somebody wants to focus on that aspect like oh ok yeah I thought so. No you thought nothing. That has nothing to do with it. I’m really upset right now. I’m stressed out and I feel trapped. I feel misunderstood by everybody in the world. Please don’t come try to talk about I’m overexaggerating or whatever the fuck cuz I’m not. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean I’m overreacting. Imagine everybody criticizing the decisions you make. You’re doing what makes you happy and content with yourself and legit everyone has a problem with it. Why can’t I keep my vagina to myself? Why I gotta have rules and restrictions on what I wanna do because men are fucking dogs and can’t control themselves huh? Why is that my responsibility to make sure I don’t do anything to get a nigga dick hard so he doesn’t want to fuck me ? Niggas get hard just looking at me. Literally the only thing I can do is never spend time with a man and then I’ll get depressed.

So now I’m supposed to be unhappy because men don’t know how to take no for an answer? I’m supposed to go living my life on guard because I have to just assume that when I tell a man not to do something he’s not going to listen. I have to think in my head that I can’t ever trust that a man will respect me enough to respect my wishes. Do you know how toxic that is to feel like I have to watch myself all the time when I’m around men when I’m constantly around men cuz y’all never leave me alone? Do you know how toxic it is to look at the ones who are supposed to protect me and I feel unsafe? Men are supposed to fight for me and make sure I’m safe not be the cause of the reason I feel like I have to watch everything I do everything I wear everything I say. I’m a freak but you’ll never know. I never show you that side, I never show anyone that side because apparently if I do anything to turn a man on I’m now responsible for him raping me. I’m now responsible for his lack of ability to act like a man and control himself when he knew from the beginning what not to do.
And then the fact that your friend said out of his mouth that you should just stick it in 😑😑😑😑😑. Idk whats worse: the fact that he calls you weak for dealing with me or the fact that I think its normal for men not to talk to me after they realize I’m not having sex with them.

What kind of sense does it make for me to be responsible for a man’s actions? I’m going to be responsible for my actions. If you wanna say someone’s to blame for letting things escalate just for me to cut it off then we’re both equally to blame. I knew what I didn’t want to do and how you’d feel if I let it get to that point (I don’t think I fully understand how irritating it is tho) and you most definitely knew how frustrated you would be getting to that point and having to stop but I guess y’all like to think I’ma change my mind d or something. So who’s more at fault? Me for not predicting how you would feel after I did what I wanted to do, or you for not listening to me and thinking you know what I’m going to decide to do better than I know and then getting mad for things escalating and I cut it off when you know how frustrated you get not being able to fuck.

Hmm sounds like a lot of me supposed to be thinking about you and catering to your needs. I’m supposed to watch what the fuck I do because of how you’ll react to it. I’m supposed to think in my head that ok so men in my past have gotten really into it and they seem like they can’t control themselves after a certain point so I’m going to assume that he’s the same so I can’t do anything that will get him horny or else he’ll rape me. Oh wait dang so I can’t even be in the same room as him, oh lol jk can’t text him either.

Meanwhile you’re thinking oh ok she said she doesn’t want to have sex but she’s not telling me why, I think she’s playing. I’ma come over anyway I know she’ll want me. Oh dang she still talking about she don’t wanna fuck… What’s wrong with her. I wonder has she been raped before, I’m not gonna do her like that. Oh damn her pussy wet but she telling me not to put it in, why would she say that. That don’t make sense, obviously she wants me. Who doesn’t? Yeah I’ma just stick it in. She’ll like it when she feels it. What the fuck thats it??? You gonna do all that then just stop right here?? My dick hard girl what you gonna do about it? You not gonna suck it or nothing.

So who’s more at fault. Me for not reading minds and taking into consideration consideration how frustrating it is to escalate things then have to stop or a nigga for not listening to my ass and assuming that he knows what’s best for me better than me a grown ass woman who’s lived every single one of my 21 years of life. 

I’m really not even saying all this to convince anybody but myself. 

Didn’t I tell you now is not the time? I’m PMSing and every emotion I feel is soo much stronger. I’m sooooo stressed rn. I feel broken open and vulnerable. I just want to be held and cry. I don’t want to go to class. I don’t want to be seen by anybody. I feel like everybody can tell I’m broken. I feel like everybody can tell I’m crying. Fuck everything. That’s how I feel.

Fuck it’s cold bitch. It’s 1000 degrees outside and everywhere I go it’s fucking cold. 

I don’t wanna think about this 😥😔😭. I just wanna be happy and be around people who don’t make me defend every decision I make.

The conflicted emotions I feel looking at a man and wanting him to come save me then immediately thinking he’ll probably contribute to the problem 😢 it’s such a beautiful day outside and I just want to cry. So many mother fucking niggas around me and I’m scared of every single one.

It’s a fine ass man across the street and I’m scared. I want to run and hide. But at the same time I want to run into his arms.

I hate how I feel like I gotta give up my pussy to spend time with men. Ignore all the extra shit I do sometimes. But I mean just to be able to hang out and have friends and have fun together. It’s like no dude wants to be in my presence unless he’s fucking. Tbh all the extra shit is what motivates dudes to actually come see me cuz then they feel like one day I’ma let them go all the way 🙄🙄. Like bro. I’m not even trying to turn anyone on!!!!!!! I will talk like normal, walk like normal and all of a sudden I’m being seductive.

Fuck Venus. I just want friends and she’s making it hard for me. Girls are intimated or insecure about me, guys don’t want to speak to me unless we’re fucking. So I’m left by myself wondering why I’m so different.

First I wonder am I really that different? I can’t possibly be the only girl in the world who’s 21 and let’s a dude finger me but not fuck. I really can’t be. But if I am how come? What is it about me that I have to be so against the norm? For this and other things I feel like what I like to do is sooo strange to everyone else.

The worst part of this shit is that I feel like it’s not that serious. I honestly truly believe my life is great, I’m very very blessed. My emotions on the other hand want me to be fucking miserable and depressed. Maybe my subconscious actually thinks my life is awful but I don’t realize it in my conscious….. 

The fact that it’s shocking to you that you have to listen to everything I say for things to make sense. Wow. I don’t say things for no reason.

What do I do what do I do? I’ve been complaining about being stuck in my room and not having friends and then this girl invites me out and I want to go to sleep…. Yes I’m exhausted, yes I gotta get up at the crack of dawn but how on Earth do I turn down the offer I been waiting for??? I’m wondering if it’s depression making me not want to go anywhere. This is something I’ve never done before, but what would Andrew tell me to do? He’d tell me to go. If I’m sad because I don’t have friends or fun then when the opportunity presents itself I should take it.

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