I don’t want no cyber relationship. Like wtf bro. I don’t want to only see you on Instagram or snapchat. I don’t want to text you all day. I don’t even want to only talk to you on the phone. It’s definitely better but what happened to spending time with people in person???
Why people always wanna go the club or get drunk like can we just hang out? Can we do that?
I hung out with these white people and they were cool, they were actually drinking but I had fun. It’s just that I didn’t know them like that and I don’t know if I could ever feel comfortable with them like that to ever enjoy that time like I want to. I want to be around a certain energy. I’ve felt it before so I know I’m not just making stuff up in my head. Sometimes I feel like I’m asking for things that don’t exist but I have to remind myself that I want them because I’ve experienced them before.
I know who I want to hang around but those people don’t seem to want to hang around me. I be wondering if I’m not communicating my needs properly or if they’re incapable of meeting my needs or if they just don’t want to. Or maybe it’s something like B****e where if she meets my needs then she’s putting herself in an unhealthy position. That I can deal with more than you just simply don’t feel like it. To me you’re saying you understand what I’m going through and what I need to be mentally healthy but you don’t care enough about me to do it.
I’m just trying to figure out what I need to do. I know these people and I’m pretty sure they all care about me but yet I never see them. This girl I spoke to on Snapchat for the first time in a while, and she said it was nice to hear from you I’ll call you tomorrow! And guess what? I never got a call. This man who believes we’re going to get married and have kids and I barely hear from the nigga. If I do hear from him we’re either texting 🙄🙄 or having 5 hour long conversations on the phone…. That’s great honestly but that can’t be all we do. That can’t even be the majority of what we do. I’d much rather have that same conversation in person while you’re laying in my lap like we did before…. I want to be open and honest with people but I feel like they can’t handle it. I want to ask people for advice because I feel like I’m the only one who can tell me what to do about my life but I get so confused. I go through the same thoughts over and over. I go from thinking I need to just talk to my friends and let them know what I need and since they care about me, they’ll do it to I need to just let them do what they want and if they wanted to do these things they would. Just enjoy the relationship as it is and find different friends.
This other guy talking about I’m blowing things out of proportion because I got upset that he brought up the fact that he knows how to mold friends into what you want but he’s not going to tell me…… What the fuck. I legit felt like he stabbed me. My eyes started tearing up. This is why I feel like people don’t understand what I be telling them. I say I need friends and I need company and physical affection and I know how serious it is but then stuff happens like this where I’m like there’s no way you understand how badly I need friends and you’d do something like that. If you truly understand and you still would then you’re a terrible human being.
How are you going to shine a light in front of someone struggling with something, give them the hope they’ve been looking for and then just snatch the bitch away and then get mad at me for being upset about it! Woww my nigga wowww. This is why my thoughts go to how I just need to explain myself better to the friends that I have already, because I tell myself the only reason they don’t do what I want is because they don’t understand the need. In my mind the alternative is so much worse. If you understand what I need and you’re consciously refusing to give it to me that’s unforgivable. I don’t wanna say unforgivable because I will forgive you, but I won’t be friends with you. That man gonna be shocked when he sees me and I tell him don’t speak to me. He’ll be like woww what’s wrong with you, and I’ll say I told you I would get pissed off but you didn’t believe me. You thought I was just talking huh? Idk who you’re used to dealing with but my words are serious. I mean what I say. He’s going to be shocked thinking like wow she was serious she actually is pissed off and that doesn’t make any kind of sense to me!!!!!!!!!! I said I’ll get pissed off so why is it surprising that I actually got pissed off??????????
What the fuck is wrong with people bro. Why do y’all beat around the bush and say things you don’t mean to make people get accustomed to reading between the lines??? Because of that shit, I have a hard time getting people not to read between my lines because you’ll forever be off. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. No word was there in excess and no words were missing. Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth and nothing more and nothing less. If you still don’t have the full story then leave it at that. You don’t have the full story. Don’t try to fill in the holes and create your own story then act like I lied to you when I finally tell you everything but it doesn’t match with the story you fabricated. Nahh nigga. I ain’t lie for shit. I just left some information out that I didn’t want to tell you yet. That’s your fault you wanted to try to form a conclusion without all the facts. Fuck outta here.
I get so upset that I have to explain myself over and over again because people didn’t realize I was serious about what I said…. This man actually said to me “you really have to listen to everything you say to understand what you mean”. The fuck bitch? Yesss. Do you think I’m just talking to fill up space in time? Idk how many times I got to say, every single word that comes out of my mouth was specifically chosen for a reason. Yes I exaggerate sometimes but that’s only because I want to express to you how I feel. If there’s a couple puddles on the ground and I say they’re lakes that’s because when I tell you the story I want you to envision how big they seemed to me! If I tell you I waited for 5 hours I want you to understand how impatient I am and how painful it was to me to wait for 10 minutes. If I tell you I’m depressed I want you to understand that I’m actually really fucking struggling. First of all I don’t even like showing vulnerability. I want everyone to think I have my life together because I want to actually have my life together. The times it gets off, I want to secretly fix it and continue about my day. I just get so confused when I actually come to people after I’ve been trying to fix things on my own and they act like I’m just making stuff up in my head or I just like complaining or I’m ungrateful or I’m exaggerating and it’s not that serious… It hurts my soul. I feel like I have to justify everything I feel to people just to not even get help from them. And then I get to thinking these must be the wrong people. I don’t want people around me that I have to convince them to take my words seriously. I shouldn’t have to beg for you to give me what I need. I shouldn’t have to give a whole argument to prove to you that what I’m experiencing in my life and in my mind is for a valid reason. I should not have to justify myself to anyone who calls themselves my friend.
Fuck all them hoes. I’m gonna find new friends.
Friends who want the same thing I do. Who want intimacy and quality time, who like physical contact and hate cyber relationships. Friends who make time for me. Friends who have interests in multiple things. Friends who take my words seriously, when I say I need company they just come give me company. They don’t tell me I just need some dick or just say yeah girl me too then never come. Bitch I’m really the most mad at you. You of all people should know. You know how you feel so when I tell you how I’m feeling why do you never come? I don’t mind giving at all but when it’s time for someone to give to me I feel like I have no one. I feel like people take take take all day from me but can’t return the favor. Idk if it’s my decisions to give to people who don’t care, they’re just taking advantage of me or if it’s they’re giving something but not what I need. Either way I need to find people who can and will give me what I need.
I thought N*** was perfect because we are literally the same person, we go through the same things emotionally. I thought for sure she would understand me and be able to give me what I need. But I guess not. I don’t want to just give up without trying to fix it but at this point I’m over it. She’s not reliable. I can’t trust her to be there for me. She doesn’t know how to separate herself from her man when I need her. That’s what A***l used to do too. I’d call her and J***s be in the background giving his input. If you don’t put that man in his place and tell him to gtf out your business. And then the fact that I knew she told him everything. Like I can’t even come to you and trust that you’re the only one going to know. I get that’s your man and everything but this is my business and I told you not him. I don’t want to have in the back of my mind how he’s going to react to it too 🙄🙄🙄.
Maybe that’s something I’ll have to get over but I don’t like it. You don’t tell me everything going on with him so don’t tell him everything going on with me. If I’m dealing with something I want as few people as possible to know. I guess that’s vanity or whatever but I want to hold a certain image. I think a good balance is knowing I need to forget about my image when I need help and I have no problem doing that to the people who can help me, but everyone else doesn’t need to know.
Moral of the story is: I know what I want, I just don’t know how to get it.
Suggestions are very welcome