Can’t sleep bc feelings

Well my class is now over.

I stayed up until 3 am, maybe 4 I really don’t remember, studying for my final. I take the test and I’m so exhausted I’m sleeping on the bus. Like not even purposeful oh this is peaceful I can take a good nap sleeping .. no I’m just sitting down and my eyes won’t stay open.

So I decide aye, my class is over, I don’t have any homework, I have no responsibilities so I’m just going to go straight to sleep.

But of course when I lay down to finally rest I cant. I even ate beforehand and that’s supposed to give you the itis and knock you straight out. This is the girl who was soo exhausted all weekend, could barely keep her eyes open while she was driving, felt so bad after taking a quick nap that I almost went back to sleep to postpone studying to the morning when I know I never wake up early when I say I will. And the fucking second I give myself permission to sleep I can’t.

I don’t even have sleeping problems!! If I lay down and I want to sleep, I will. So why now all of a sudden when my body actually needs it I can’t? I can legit feel this taste in my mouth when my body is working on healing itself but I interrupted the process when I woke up. I feel so bad but idk what to do.

It hasn’t even been a day and I’m already feeling sluggish and lazy. Like what am I going to do with myself???? Is it because of B***y? I said I was going to go ride with him but it was raining really hard this morning and then I was so tired so I decided to go home instead. I felt like he was asking me was I on the bus like he didn’t read my text telling him I was gonna go home. So I guess while I was laying down I was waiting on him to text me and let me know that he understands I’m not coming 😔

I miss him and I do want to see him but I’m about to be on campus aka 10 minutes away from him and I’d much much rather be able to hug him and kiss him and show him lots of love 😊😊😊😊

Plus I’m actually kind of scared that he’d get in trouble with me just riding around and not being a passenger. They already say don’t distract the drivers 🙃

So I didn’t go and for very logical reasons but it really bothers me 😐 the fact that I didn’t get to see him yesterday makes me upset. And knowing how bad he wanted to see me too and then I let him down 😞 I didn’t realize until yesterday how much I liked him. Well ok no when I couldn’t focus on my work after talking to him, that’s what brought it to my attention. This was the final evidence that my decision is made. There’s no one else for me right now 😊

I’m so excited to finally be with him and now I’m in the stage where I want to talk to him all the time and see him every day all day but the man is busy bro. Idk what I’ma do. He legit does not have time to dedicate to me that I want. I know this and I know he makes time when he can to speak to me but I want more 😔 I’m just hoping when I move to campus that I’ll get to see him frequently. Best believe I’ma be trying to kidnap his ass so he never leaves. Hopefully he’ll be the responsible one and make sure we don’t spend every second together and I’ll try not to throw a fit 🙄🙄 Key word: try 😂 Even with how I’m feeling I couldn’t ever imagine ditching my friends for him. Of course I want to be with him as much as possible but if my friend hits me up I’ma answer and go hang out if she wants. I’m not going to cancel plans I had with my man (but I would if it’s an emergency) but if there’s a conflict I’ll try to reschedule and make plans with her another day. It’s that simple.

Despite all that, it’s so weird to me having feelings. I love it of course, this is what I’ve been wanting for so long but I’m not used to it at all. I’m hoping I want him for him and not just because I want a man and he’s available. First of all I’m craving a man, second I’m about to start my period and third I broke my streak so now I’m back on week 2 which I’ve known to always be the worst not even mentioning the period to amplify everything besides the fact that they already make me hornier before they start.

I want him so bad and I hope he’s ready for all my emotions 🙄🙄 I want to tell him how much I was looking forward to seeing him and how sad I was that I didn’t go. I want to call him and just talk and talk and talk. I want him to know how much I like him and how much he’s affecting my emotions. I’m on my be vulnerable streak but with him I can’t because he night run away 😔

I know he’s changed and he’s more serious about me but that doesn’t mean he’s comfortable with emotions all of a sudden.

Sidenote: I can wake up on the first alarm. I just don’t because mentally I’m not ready to get up so I snooze snooze snooze. Maybe if I had a habit of automatically getting up when the first alarm goes off then I wouldn’t do that thing where I turn off my alarm then go back to sleep 🙄😂 Maybe I wouldn’t but I’m too scared to try. That’s not something you play with. 

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