My friend situation

Idk what’s going on but there’s like a fire inside of me that’s begging me to do something or go somewhere. It’s restless and it wants something I’m not giving to it. I’m thinking I want a man but at the same time I’m not sure. I know I keep checking my phone like I’m waiting on somebody to contact me even though I know for a fact that no one is.

I’m wondering is it my unrest at not knowing the state of this friendship I’m in. I don’t know if we’re still friends or if we’re not cool anymore because she’s not speaking to me but today she tried to have this talk fact to face. She didn’t plan it so other people were there and it didn’t end up happening for more than a couple minutes but I’m sure she wants to continue. I’m just confused on what she wants to talk about. I made a mistake, I owned up to my mistake which mind you does not concern her. But she’s trying to include herself in this conversation like I was negatively affecting her life somehow. So idk if you want to be mad that I hurt other people the way I did ok I understand that but I still don’t understand what you need to talk about. It’s in the past I can’t change that. Either you forgive me or you can’t, either way I dont know what the discussion is for. And I definitely don’t understand why you expect me to want to talk about how this affects you. Baby noo. You are an innocent bystander in this situation. Yes you can have your opinion on the situation and look at me however but don’t try to act like I’m doing you wrong too. No you’re just a witness.

And then I’m in this mindset where I want a type of friendship thats not close to anything I have right now. I want an intense ass friendship where we trust each other and support each other 100%. We both equally want to make the others life the most pleasant. No judgment, name calling, accusations or anything. Whether it’s a man or a woman I want a partner in crime, a secret keeper, party buddy, someone I can trust with gossip, someone I can cry to. I feel like I talk about this all the time but I still am looking for the same thing. Its not any of the friends I have. These girls go weeks without talking and they believe boyfriends are more important than the female friends they’ve had for longer. You’re supposed to tell your boyfriend things you wouldn’t tell anyone else including the girl you insist is your best friend. I don’t understand. I love them though so I’ll let those friendships be what they are but in the meantime I’m looking for more.

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